It was good to see you, thank you for dinner, gotta go, I look forward to doing this again, hope to see you before too long, we’ll have to get everyone together soon, call me, say Hi to so-and-so for me, don’t be a stranger, give a call to let us know you got home safely, be sure to write, I hope we stay in touch, come back and see us, have a safe flight, drive safely, see you tomorrow, have a good day, take care, I’m off, goodbye, see ya, bye-bye, ciao, so long, later…
Children of alcoholics find it hard to say goodbye.
When saying goodbye, if one could speak from the voice of the young child of years ago, the adult child of an alcoholic wouldn’t say, “Great to see you, see you next time.” They’d say, “I feel like this is the end.”
Abandonment--that is, the ongoing fear of it--is a core fear with so many people because the threat of abandonment was a constant during the childhoods of people with drinking parents. The very fact of having a drinking parent means that a child was, at the very least, emotionally abandoned; drinkers aren’t ever truly present--they drink to be gone in spirit.
“For if souls do not die, it is right that we should not make much of saying goodbye.” --Jorge Luis Borges, Dreamtigers
To guard against potential abandonment, a person consciously or unconsciously invokes various emotional defenses, such as doing, saying or thinking things that create within them a sense of control. Such as isolating themselves from other people, remaining unattached. Such as breaking off relationships and friendships. Such as quitting classes, groups or clubs before their official end. Such as just plain disappearing without a goodbye. This is often unconscious.
“We said goodbye on a corner in Once. From the other sidewalk I turned to look back; you too had turned, and you waved goodbye to me.” --Borges, Dreamtigers
A sense of control is a sense of control. It is not actual control. There is as much successful control of events and people in a situation where one behaves spontaneously and free of attachment to outcomes as in a situation where one works to control the situation and the people in it. Attempting to control others is an emotional and mental drain. And it’s fruitless. It’s dangerous for the child of an alcoholic because focusing on controlling others further divorces a person from learning to successfully identify their own true wants, needs, interests--and it is essential that adult children of alcoholics learn what their true, individual, unique wants, needs and interests are. Learning one’s likes is an essential and fundamental part of building one’s person. And a person focused on others and their actions and needs (and how to prevent one’s abandonment) remains blind to themselves.
People with parents who drank are loathe to release attempting to control others because they fear this will lead to abandonment. (And also because it leaves them the only other option: to do what he or she wants to do--a bit uncomfortable if one doesn’t necessarily know what one likes or wants.) If the child of an alcoholic can’t get people to fulfill his or her plans, whether it’s seeing a movie, playing golf, participating in a writing group, etc., that person may be on their own for the moment. For them it's not always easy to believe that, sure, when the friend or group has time for that movie or golf, they will indeed say Yes and show up. They might know it on an intellectual level, but on a deeper emotional level (some may say 'irrational'), they may doubt that their friends or acquaintances will ever show up again--as for them, only 'now' exists. While it’s very rarely personal if other people can’t show up, return a call, or commit to plans, it’s usual for the adult child of drinkers to, on some level, personalize "no" as a signal of rejection or abandonment.
“To say goodbye to each other is to deny separation. It is like saying “today we play at separating, but we will see each other tomorrow.” Man invented farewells because he somehow knows he is immortal, even though he may seem gratuitous and ephemeral.” --Borges, Dreamtigers
The behavior trait of perfectionism--common with a lot of children of drinking parents--can sometimes contribute to discomfort with goodbyes because it leads a person to want to achieve the ‘perfect’ goodbye. That may be a goodbye that comforts and reassures, or a goodbye that insures the other person’s return. If the goodbye doesn’t feel successful, one might feel upset, experience a wave of fear, distrust, or even anger as a result.
A kid’s chief desire is to be near his or her parents, protected, paid attention to, and loved, and this top priority doesn’t cease because that attention isn’t given--no, the desire is unceasing.
I have a friend that ask me to look at this sight. She said it would help me as I am an ACA. However What she doesn't know is that I have worked throught these issuesand was trying realy hard to help her blossom into a recovering ACA but she recently had a set back in her relationship and has done exactly what the paragraph on guarding aginst abandonment in this artical has said. I hope she reads this very closely and it helps her.
Posted by: Concerned | 02 September 2009 at 11:04 AM
Your insights are so incisive it gives me a prickly feeling on the back of my neck, as if you've been privy to all encounters, conversations, journal entries... Just to give you an example: my father, one of nine, can never "reach closure" on the phone (he will never say good bye, always passes me back to my mother). None of my aunts can get off the phone without an awkward back-and-forth of "take care, see you soon, good to talk to you" for an extra five minutes... And I have to consciously force myself to say good bye and leave it at that. Never realized it came from being part of this family that drowns itself in wine.
Posted by: Karen | 11 June 2005 at 06:44 PM
LOVE what you are writing here, and your site looks fantastic. Keep it up.
Posted by: molly | 06 June 2005 at 01:13 PM