You! You! You! (Part Deux)

Have a hard time letting go of hurt feelings? Do you hold onto grudges? Do you cling to your sense of being wronged for a very, very, very long time? Hours and hours? Days and days? Do you nurture it, feed it, incubate it till it has no more life, offers no more victim fuel, till it has totally evaporated? Are there people in your world whom you 'hate,' on whom you waste that negative energy?

This short article on narcissism appears in this month's issue of SHAPE magazine (click on image).

Comments

[Gina]

this can also be a matter of learning to take control in places you never had control before. something crucial i've been learning: if you don't value yourself (for various obvious reasons as an acoa) it's easy to let people walk all over you. you feel powerless, you get resentful. A while back my husband did something amazing for me. an aunt and uncle (nice, but nosy and sometimes judgemental people) who have a copy of our house key for emergencies etc. came into our home while we were out to drop off some holiday bread. they did this without asking permission or giving us a heads up. this really upset me and i didn't understand why. they were simply being nice i thought, they went out of their way to do something nice i kept trying to convince myself, but the more i did this the worse and more out of control i felt. i became resentful and very very angry (a little shrill sounding i'm afraid). my husband shrugged, he thought nothing of it. yeah, it wasn't the most appropriate thing to do but not the end of the world he thought. why does it bother you so much? so our house was messy so what? so what? i say. so what? so how about when I was growing up I wasn't allowed any privacy, there was no respect for personal bounderies, and nothing belonged to me because what mother could give as she pleased mother could take away as she pleased. because my room was under her roof it was more hers than mine, i could come home from school to find things missing or moved around because that she felt was her right. my home as a grown up was my sanctuary I said, a place I could relax and be imperfect without fear of judgement, recrimination or punishment and no one had the right to violate that, good intentions or not. ruminating momentarily about how overly obssessive this aunt was about cleanliness and comparing it to how messy our house actually was he became more empathetic to my position, and then he said the most amazing thing my ears had ever heard: ok, what do we have to do to get your power back? i'd never asked myself that question before. change the locks my mind screamed. so "change the locks" my mouth said, that's what i need to do to get my power back. bless his joyful heart, good naturedly he agreed and did it that same day. we never told them we changed the locks, but once i felt safe again all the resentment melted away. i didn't need to confront or fight or make a scence, all the bad feelings had melted away. no extra keys were made or given out. oh well what can you do? these things they happen. I hear myself saying. was that me talking?! --gf