Do You Really Believe That, or Just Think You Believe That?

Occasionally I suspect the need for some fence-fixing, usually when my unconscious beliefs show signs of tripping me up. Usually an unconscious belief that trips me up is not really mine, it's borrowed from my parents, their parents, and their parent's parents. The very fact that I get tripped up is my best tip-off that an unwelcome belief is at work.

continued...

A few years ago, I sent an email to my younger sister, titled Our Family's Belief System, which she said was an eye-opener. Since then our family has experienced a significant change, the break-up of our parent's marriage after 20 years, and today it seems that some of these beliefs have changed. Yet, at the time of the email, the list was a current and accurate representation of our family's invisible beliefs. That is, not the ones we stated out loud, but the ones that nevertheless steered our actions and reactions though we never saw the steering wheel.

In a way, this is a light exercise and by writing about it, yes, I'm saying to you, Try This, Too. Perhaps in doing this you may shed light on a too-old emotional mystery.

Think about what went on in your family and its bizarre behaviors. Then come up with what beliefs define those behaviors. What are the silent expectations, fears, denial, and assumptions that fuel such odd actions and reactions?

The best part about naming these unproductive beliefs is that you can see what you’re dealing with, which makes it that much easier to reflect on what beliefs your heart actually knows are better, more productive, and true.

Judging from Our Behavior...Family Belief #1: IF YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT SEX WITH THE KIDS, THEY WON'T HAVE ANY.

In my family we didn't talk about sex, which meant the topics of safe sex and pregnancy or sex self-esteem were also not discussed (I mean, you'd have to talk about sex to talk about pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases). I once broached the topic and, after a silence in which my dad and stepmother were wishing someone would say something, I finally heard my dad say, "If you're really ready to talk about sex, give it a month, then let's discuss this seriously." You think I ever broached that subject again? No. You think I went ahead and had sex anyway? Yes.

Here are the rest. I feel they are self-explanatory, but let me know if you want to hear more! Just post a comment.

Judging from Our Behavior...Family Belief #2:  IF SOMEONE IS IN A BAD MOOD, IT IS YOUR FAULT OR WILL SOON BECOME YOUR FAULT

Judging from Our Behavior...Family Belief #3:  YOU DON'T REALLY APPRECIATE DAD & YOU DON'T REALLY LOVE MOM

A second slant on #3:  MOM AND DAD'S SELF-ESTEEM IS ATTACHED TO YOUR WORDS AND ACTIONS

Judging from Our Behavior...Family Belief #4  IF YOU APPEAR TO BE DOING SOMETHING WRONG, YOU ARE DEFINITELY DOING SOMETHING WRONG

Judging from Our Behavior...Family Belief #5  IF YOU BECOME TOO ATTRACTIVE YOU'LL START ALIENATING OTHERS

Judging from Our Behavior...Family Belief #6  IF YOU GROW UP AND BUY EXPENSIVE GROCERIES OR CLOTHES YOU ARE REJECTING YOUR FAMILY

Judging from Our Behavior...Family Belief #7  IF DAD IS IN A GOOD MOOD BE PREPARED TO LAUGH AND HAVE A GOOD TIME OR YOU ARE A SPOIL SPORT

Judging from Our Behavior...Family Belief #8  IF FRIENDS OF THE FAMILY CRITICIZE OUR FAMILY, THEY'RE ELIGIBLE ENEMIES

Judging from Our Behavior...Family Belief #9    WE'LL NEVER GET ALONG

Judging from Our Behavior...Family Belief #10   KEEP UP APPEARANCES AND PRETEND WE’RE…

NORMAL

WHOA! WHO WANTS TO LIVE LIKE THAT?! The truth is that I believe in talking about sex openly and creating an environment in which my children, friends, and siblings feel comfortable discussing sex. I believe that if someone in the household is in a bad mood, they are allowed to be left to that mood and that a bad mood isn't personal. And I want to be left to my sour mood! I believe parents are responsible for their own self-esteem, not the child. I believe that parents should mirror solid self-esteem for their children so that their children can build their own self-esteem and be self-reliant. If I'm appearing to do something wrong, of if you appear to be doing something wrong, you might not be and we'll give each other the benefit of the doubt. I believe that an attractive person is as accessible and potentially kind and magnanimous as a plain or homely person. A plain person is not necessarily more honest, grounded, or humble than an accessorized person simply because plain folks look like they're more honest or because they look like 'our folk.' I am not rejecting my parents or my upbringing by purchasing expensive products and the way I live, my lifestyle, and my choice of car, etc., is not a sign of respect nor disrespect for my home-place. I believe that if my friends criticize me or my family, that is something worth discussing and being open to (having healthy self-esteem means that you can actually hear criticism without taking it personally); I do not believe in enemies. I have the ability to get along with people in my family and others, even those considered 'difficult,' and I don't believe in holding grudges against others. I believe in the joy of being at peace with others. I don't believe in keeping up appearances, and I don't believe in normal. Who can show me "normal"?   

Comments

[amyeden]

Hi Keely - Inauthentic self-editing is a good expression for that! It's dizzying, doing all that adjusting to suit others (adjusting to what we think they want from us, whether or not it's what they truly want from us). It's SUCH a relief to stop doing that. And it means taking risks. And it's scary at first. You wonder, will they still like me and keep me around as their friend when they hear what comes out of my mouth? But, they do. And you might realize that you'd click better with other people when you begin to show your true self more -- you start to become choosier about the people in your life when you act like yourself all the time..that is, it starts to become MUCH clearer when you are with like-minded friends, and you'll find it's much easier to be with people in general when you stop self-editing and adjusting. Try it, even if it's just once in a while at first. And...asserting your true self is also a great way to get to know yourself (which it's impossible to do when we're reflecting what others want).

[Keely]

I'd love to hear more about this one:

Judging from Our Behavior...Family Belief #7 IF DAD IS IN A GOOD MOOD BE PREPARED TO LAUGH AND HAVE A GOOD TIME OR YOU ARE A SPOIL SPORT

I experienced that with my mom a lot and its led me to do a lot of inauthentic self editing around my friends because I'm constantly assessing their moods and preferences and projecting back to them the version of myself I feel they'd prefer.

[amyeden]

I had some formatting issues with this article, so I edited and re-posted it -- apologies as comments were lost in the midst of that! amyeden