Personal Boundaries are Essential to the Real You

Setting boundaries is one way to become slightly more intriguing.

RESPECTED BOUNDARIES ARE LIKE COOL SHADE ON A HOT DAY

The word boundary makes me think of a wall, or fortress.  BOUNDARY.  I wish the word were less solid.  Something more like the word veil, screen, or shade.  I like "shade."  Shade is a natural entity, and it moves according to the sun's position.  You don't always know where you'll find shade.  Boundaries are like that.  They're not solid and impenetrable.  Boundaries are more like shade, moving as the sun crosses, as our position switches.  Shade, like our boundaries, is in flux.  Depending on our mood, our trust levels, the other individuals involved, the time of day, the time of life, etc., our boundaries morph and sometimes grow wide and other times shrink smaller. continued...

YOU MUST CHAMPION YOUR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES

It's paramount to your development of your self and to your happiness to develop your interests and who you are.  In doing so you're going to need to be vocal about boundaries, there's no way to live your life as the real you and not champion your personal boundaries.

A key part of your personal growth and transformation from dysfunctional into functional individuals is the ability to get comfortable using the simplest of words:  no.

Try saying it at some point today.

I promise it gets easier.

YOU KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES HAVE BEEN CROSSED WHEN...

Boundaries protect us and keep us feeling capable, calm, and like ourselves.  When your boundaries have been pierced, you'll know it.  You'll feel bad.  It's a gut feeling.  Maybe your mind will start to feel fuzzy or you'll suddenly become distracted by the fact that you just said yes when you meant no.  If you start to feel angry at the person you're talking to (the source of the boundary-violation) that could be a sign you're in beyond your comfort level.  When you feel as if you've become emotionally or physically detached from the situation -- that's also a good indicator of your having just experienced a violation of your personal boundary.

Some examples

If you're in a conversation in which a subject that upsets you is being discussed and you continue with it rather than leaving the conversation, changing the subject, or saying that you're uncomfortable with the topic, you're in the midst of a boundary-violation;

If you agree to do something sexually that's beyond your comfort level, your personal boundaries have been crossed;

When you agree to do something that in your gut you're not okay with, you're violating a personal boundary;

If your alcoholic parent calls you in the middle of the night to share his or her hysteria and you've asked them not to call late at night, your personal boundaries are being crossed;

If your parent asks you to do something that supports their addiction, that's also a violation of a boundary.

(Readers:  I'd love to hear your own examples of situations in which you feel your boundaries were at risk.  Feel free to post a comment or share a story about it.)

You can turn a yes into a no by backing up and saying, "You know, I thought I was comfortable with this conversation/this party/this plan, but the truth is that I'm really not."

There's always time to champion a boundary, it's rarely too late.

WHY IS IT HARD TO SET AND PROTECT PERSONAL BOUNDARIES?

Simply put, it's because we're afraid of rejection.  We're afraid of being abandoned.

It's not rational.  But it feels real.  We erroneously think that if we disagree or refuse to participate in a situation or conversation that violates our personal boundaries then we'll be rejected, disliked, broken up with, thought un-cool, left behind, not asked again, laughed at, disapproved of, yelled at, considered a traitor, etc.

For children of alcoholics it's especially hard to set and protect boundaries because it goes against what we're hard-wired to do.  If you're like me, you're hard-wired to do what others want from you and to be a mirror for their emotions.

NEGOTIATING YOUR BOUNDARIES

Don't assume that someone who crosses one of your boundaries wants to harm you or doesn't respect you.  Most of the time people have no idea they're about to cross one of your boundaries -- they're wrapped up in their expression of their needs, opinions, wants, etc.  They won't know they're crossing a boundary unless you tell them.  It's very important to tell people when they cross your boundaries, because it gives them the opportunity to back off -- and it gives them means to get to know you better.  You can learn a lot about a person by coming in contact with their personal boundaries.  Don't expect someone to be psychic and know where your boundaries lie.  Boundaries are invisible, and you are the only champion of them.  So, speak up.

However, if after you've established a boundary and it's not honored even after you have clearly explained yourself, it's fair to say that person is disrespectful of your boundaries.  At that point it's up to you whether to distance yourself from interaction with that person, or to take time to work on that issue with that person in the hopes of coming to a mutual understanding and solution.

YOU CAN SET BOUNDARIES

Find your spot in the shade, and protect the spot.  Don't apologize.  It's okay to tell people to back off.  Practice saying, "I prefer not to."  Or, simply, "no, thanks."  Shrug, shake your head, "no."  Cultivate your Mona Lisa smile.  Think of the act of protecting your personal boundaries as an act of intrigue.   

Be good to yourself.

Comments

[amy eden]

All too many people are going through the same things! :-)
Sometimes the alcoholism skips a generation, and someone feels like they were raised in an alcoholic home where theres no drinking (because the grandparent drank as passed down an alcoholic parenting style, without the alcohol. There may be other things, though...work-aholism.)

It IS interesting how things get suddenly clearer (whats acceptable and whats not), and more urgent, sharply so -- once you have children of your own, as you say, to protect. When it comes to my son, Im quick to know whats right/wrong and where the limits are. I dont know if its your situation, but Ive needed to establish new boundaries with my father since he behaved in a way that was manipulative with my son...its one thing for my father to behave childishly with me, but I can choose not to have my child exposed to that. Its surprised me to see how quickly I had clear thinking about how to protect my son...it wasnt and still isnt as clear to me how to do so for myself when situations arise.
It DOES feel odd -- like dizziness, illness, like somethings wrong -- when we do something new, that goes against our hard-wiring, like setting boundaries. Its anti-intuitive, to feel ill when doing the right thing, but its because the body/mind/spirit is scared out of its wits to be doing something so new and uncomfortable (uncomfortable, yet good in the long run.)
It gets easier with practice. I think we learn to recognize the withdrawal feelings, the dizziness, disorientation...and see that for what it is, and get slowly more brave about new behaviors.
Whats worked with your mother - feel free to share what worked. Always looking for tips!
ae

[gina]

how wonderful to see other people going through the same things.what a relief to realize you're not crazy. my mother is not an alcoholic, but my father and grandfathers were. living alone for thirty years now my mother, though she doesn't drink exhibits classic alcoholic behaviour almost as though taking my father's place in the family through osmosis or assimilation. no longer the victim, she now becomes the aggressor. mean, critical, unstable, emotionally destructive, manipulative and the list goes on. and it seems as that as she gets older the tendency toward this type of behaviour gets worse. I've recently taken some steps away from her to protect myself and my family (isn't it interesting how things become clearer when you have your own children to protect). I'm learning to set bounderies in a healthy way but I find myself going through some sort of strange sensation almost like withdrawal. or is it just a matter of questioning wether or not we doing the right thing? does the feeling ever go away? or is it a lifetime of setting bounderies and struggling? --gf

[amyeden]

Ed, You cut right through to the heart of it. Our parents aren't "bad" people, but they do/say terrible things that we sometimes decide, out of self-respect, to protect ourselves from (and our offspring), but it feels unnatural and wrong to keep away from one's parents. Because they are our parents. That's why it's hard to make and keep up with a decision to keep distance. I struggle with that decision too. (And of course, somehow, the alcoholic insists on being seen as the victim in all this...) Children/grandchildren make it especially complex. I think that question about not knowing if you're making the right decision doesn't go away. That question comes from a kindhearted place. I think it's entirely possible to do the right thing for you and your family and yet feel some level of misgiving about it. I found geographical distance helpful...for the 15 years that I had it. --ae

[Ed]

This was a struggle for me.

I grew up in a home with an alcoholic mother. She has a big heart and that is the worst part. For many years I was the responsible child. Always cleaning up after her actions throughout my high school years. Hiding and protecting at the same time. It was not until my adult years that I realized the damage that was done. Never having friends over. A girlfriend was out of the question. It is funny that they thought I would be a priest. My belongings constantly sifted through to find money. No personal space.

Fast forward to today. I am now married and have kids. I will not allow this "disease" into my life. She is a great woman with a big heart but a lowsy drunk. Hurtful. Spiteful. Classic alcoholic.

I have since put up boundaries. It was a constant struggle. The family get togethers were like waves on a shore. Sometimes calm, other times it would be like a tsumani. I have now said enough is enough.

Since the last visit, when she became stoned on her "medication" while sitting on my sofa, I have said she is not allowed in my home. This has led to phone calls with her pleading to see her grandchildren.

It is a daily struggle and this is the first step and the hardest. I never know if I am making the correct decsion but I need this for myself and my family.

[Teek]

I have had so many people in my life who were supposed to be my friends etc. as well as family COMPLETELY IGNORE my specifically set boundaries and do whatever they felt like with my things, my spaces and even my animals (things that hurt or killed them) that I have to just say NO in a lot of areas now. I don't know what it was about me that they would blow off a specific instruction or an outright No, do NOT TOUCH this item, but I have had to become very aware and cautious. I have learned that people will do what they want. I now sometime outline penalties.

My husband is an egregious offender, I have told him over 7 years now to please not leave my expensive Japanese chef knives in the sink. The best one was there tonight. One it's not good for the knife, two if I don't see it I could get cut as they are extremely sharp. I will have to tell him if it happens again I will leave his 2K bike out in the alley unlocked, I am fairly fed up with his disrespect. Reasoning and careful explanation doesn't seem to make a dent. In this kind of example, the person was either raised by wolves or is engaging in covert/aggression. I don't put up with that either.

[Kate Wheeler]

I love the idea of finding that cool, relaxed, shady feeling. The word 'boundaries' is getting very tired and it never resonated much
for me--sounded fussy and like I'd end up keeping people out of my life somehow. This shadiness much more visceral and intuitive and your descriptions of situations were helpful too. (Though with this nor-easter here today I need to fast forward into summer). thanks amy!

Kate