What Do You Want to Eat Tonight?

Children of alcoholics are likely to be indecisive folk, to feel confused in situations in which we feel confronted. Confronted could mean something as simple as being directly asked, "What do you want to eat tonight?" The indecision is a bit easier to cope with, but the confusion is perplexing. To me it feels like cotton brain, or television snow brain. Just a buzzing and no signal, no information, no clear thoughts. And no access to clarity.

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One has to come up with a way to work around this, create some sort of buffer in order to buy enough time to get rid of the television snow in the brain, and locate a signal -- to find calm, to be kind to one's self, to breathe.

I find that the good old, "Let me get back to you on that in just a sec," trick works. I have several versions of that tool that I put to use to buy myself time regularly. You've got to buy yourself time when the television snow brain hits, when indecision hits, because when it does we have a choice: freak out and recoil/say what someone else wants, or deal with it and help yourself. I like the help yourself route, but I've spent years taking the first route. It's so, so important to figure out those answers, even the simple ones. Actually, the little ones are the most important.

Our growth relies on our ability to uncover our true self. Our growth relies on our introducing that true self to others.

What do you want to eat tonight? Take as much time as you need, but figure it out.

It is hard for us to stand up for ourselves. The little things and the big things. The movie we really want to see, the relationships we suspect is not really right for us. Why? Why is it so hard, threatening even, or emotionally scary for us to stand up for what we want, like, don't like, and what we think?

We believe the illusion that we're connected to others in ways that we aren't; subconsciously we believe that our decisions will affect others, that there's a dependent rather than a healthy independent or interdependent relationship between us and others. We let this years old illusion instilled by our parents (only because they were taught this by their parents) guide and control us and suppress our honest, true expression of our opinions, preferences, and needs.

Sometimes it seems like a very old part in a very old play that we're enacting, as puppets, one for which there is no audience left to witness; we're playing the part of daughter or son of an addict, but rather than playing opposite our father or mother, now we're imposing our practiced role on our girlfriend/boyfriend or husband/wife. We don't want to, we don't mean to. But, now, how do we wake ourselves up, how do we get perspective for a lengthy moment, long enough to see ourselves objectively?

To live, to wake up, it's paramount to cut free from that play, to become conscious. You could spend years upset with your parents. You could spend years getting to know your truth, who your true self is, and expressing it. What do you want to eat tonight? What's your favorite sport? Who are you, what's your truth? How do you want to spend your time?

Comments

[sasha]

I can understand this completly cause its exactually where I am.. tring to find out exactually who I am besides a adult child of an alcoholic.

[sasha]

Thanks for posting your web page. Its very helpful from fellow aca...