Backspace: Delete

I hesitated over a word, writing an email yesterday. I wrote it without pause, like any old word. Like the word and, the, or but. I paused, moved the cursor back, hesitated to wonder, "Necessary? Required? Polite?" Then realized, "No. Unnecessary. Old habit. Not expected." Then, I deleted the word. "Much better," I thought. Simpler. Clearer.

The word? "Sorry."

continued...

I deleted it and, woosh, felt lighter. One freaking word and I lost weight!

Old habits die hard. It took stopping, thinking, doubting--even if that lasted only a whole two seconds--and then taking action to delete. I'd written "sorry" unconsciously but deleted it consciously.

The email exchange was between my uncle and I, and he wanted to know if by writing Memorial Day in my previous email, if I'd meant Labor Day was when I planned to visit. He was just checking. Just making sure. He wasn't scolding me or pointing out a mistake. So, why apologize? Why would I write back, "Sorry, I got mixed up - I meant Labor Day."? He's not expecting an apology, just clarification, and in fact an apology might add confusion into our communication. So I wrote, "Right, I meant Labor Day." No, sorry or insulting myself for the mix-up of Days.

If Mr. or Mrs. Normal were to hear this, I know they'd wonder why I'd linger over such a trivial thing, a word. But the word "sorry" is not a simple word in my vocabulary and it takes up a lot more room than big words do, words like serendipitous. Sorry and I feel like we're in a bad relationship together, a feel-bad-about-me one.

I thought I had shed apologizing back when I entered my thirties, and I do think it's a word that should be shed at a certain age, by women but also by all adult children of alcoholics. Because every time I say I'm sorry--even if I think I'm just saying a quick one--a feeling of shame lingers somewhere in me.

When I omit the "sorry" and finish my sentence, I feel lighter. Oh, if only this were a diet.

Here are all the unnecessary sorrys that I'm going to refrain from saying or writing this year: sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'll leave them here.

Comments

[AngrySar]

Oh, this is so completely me. In fact, even my brother closest in age did this up the day he died (I'm the oldest of 3 siblings) famously... his friends would say "Tom, stop apologizing so much" and he'd reply with... 'Sorry!' I catch myself apologizing all the time since I feel its the "right thing to do" for the situation(sound familiar?). And it IS an incredible weight... like a lump in your chest for me... when I apologize it somehow feels I've actually done something wrong, even if I know I haven't!
This is such a good topic... thank you for posting this.

[Craig J. Phillips MRC, BA]

Wow. Sounds like shame to me. Thank God for the 12 steps and traditions that have the power by the grace of God to set us free. I remember when I was in the 6th grade I said I was sorry so often that my english teacher made me go home and write out, I am sorry 500 times -- like that was going to some how stop me from sayig I am sorry. The 4th and 5th step have proven to been the solution for shame. I am happy to have hurt enough emotionally to be willing to do a fearless moral inventory. In my case, it just took what it took. I found the 4th step process outlined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Annonymous to be most effective guide to completing a 4th Step Inventory. I was able to experience the promises that came from doing a 9th Step when I had finished the 4th and 5th Steps with my sponsor. The 4th and 5th steps set the stage to make a list in the 8th Step so that I could actually complete -- make direct amends in the 9th Step. The 10th Step allows me to stay current and to keep my side of the street clean. As I am able to keep my side of the steet clean, I am empowered to practice the principle of live and let live. We proclaim spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection.

[sadbuttrue]

just so that you know- i added this blog on my mental list of "aca recovery supporters" ;^}