Unleash Your Inner High-Maintenance Customer

We were raised in alcoholic homes. We know what that implies for us. But what physical action are we taking on a daily basis to re-wire ourselves and help our true self emerge?

It helps to fake it till you make it. If you behave like a healthy version of yourself, your body and mind will learn to become comfortable with those behaviors and lose the grip on guilt and shame and other emotional goblins. For example, if you were to work at stopping apologizing for yourself, you will eventually feel comfortable with what it's like not to be so apologetic.

The most important first step any of us raised in alcoholic homes takes is to learn what it means to have been raised in such an environment. That realization makes us a community. With alcoholic parents in common, we understand one another's situations and we also understand that it's not our fault that we have emotional reactions and behaviors ill-suited to our true selves. There's work to do in order to release ourselves from the grip of a dysfunctional emotional inheritance.

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TAKE YOUR SELF-HEALING TO THE STREET

The most important subsequent step to that realization is taking action to heal.

I value the "ah ha" moments I inevitably experience reading books about children of alcoholics. In relating to descriptions of people who share my problems, I feel courageous. But, where the literature comes up short, for me, is in helping me develop new behaviors. While the books out there do a fantastic job of describing the problem, and that has given a lot of us hope, they are missing guidelines for how to re-wire ourselves.

YOUR EMOTIONAL TRAINER WORKS AT STARBUCKS, AND NIKE, AND SAFEWAY, AND COSTCO...

One step we can take to actively heal ourselves is to practice becoming a high-maintenance customer. (Keep in mind, what you and I might think is "high-maintenance" or bothersome is, in reality, not even close to that; rather, it's absolutely normal, unobtrusive, and within the reasonable bounds of customerhood.)

In any given week, I interact with a coffee barista, a grocery store clerk, checker, bagger, and cart gopher, a security guard, parking garage attendant, gas station cashier, a pharmacist, Walgreens cashier, my postman, an employee at Barnes & Noble, the customer service person at my cell phone company, etc. A lot of service workers! You might interact with yoga instructors, trainers, taxi drivers, bus drivers, dry cleaning cashiers, shoe shiners, receptionists, hair stylists, flight attendants, life guards, farmer's market workers, waiters and waitresses, etc.

The point is, each of us has at least, at the very least, one opportunity each day to interact with someone. And that means we have an opportunity every day to make a request of someone.

HERE'S A QUESTION FOR YOU

As soon as you have your first opportunity, ask for something. Maybe you're just buying a pack of gum -- but, turn that into a request. Ask if the store has a bathroom. Ask what time it is (even if you're wearing a watch.) Ask for something particular. "Do you have strawberry-flavored mints?"

There are dozens of starter questions, for various situations ("Do you have bacon-wrapped scallops?" Or, "Do you sell shirts made with organic cotton?" Or, "Do you have the telephone number for the nearest car wash?"), and since you're an ACoA, you are creative, so you're sure to come up with some great, spontaneous questions.

HERE'S ANOTHER QUESTION FOR YOU

Asking those simple questions is just a warm-up. Now, go further. Ask yet another question or, even better, make a request. "May I have an extra bag, please?" Ask if you can put a product on hold, and if so for how long. If you're eating out, ask if you can have your french fries in a bowl on the side. Or, two bowls. Ask if you can have the list of ingredients for the lasagna. Ask if it's possible to return an item if you spill on it in the first 24 hours of purchase. If you're at a book store, ask a store clerk the name of his or her favorite recent novel. Or ask what types of books people over the age of 60 seem to buy. Ask them to bring you to that book. Ask to borrow someone's pen.

YOU CAN TAME YOUR SHAME

It's uncomfortable to stick out as the person asking questions (we think we're "bothering" people) or asking for things (we're "troubling" the poor clerk), but what we need to learn is that asking questions and making requests are perfectly acceptable, customerly behaviors.

Practicing becoming a 'high-maintenance' customer will help tame your shame and guilt because it forces you to "be" with it. You might be embarrassed drawing attention to yourself, but you can become comfortable with that. Making requests will also help you become more comfortable with the burning, internal question, What's Normal? Since we don't know what normal is, we avoid situations (asking for help) in which we might not be behaving normally. This will help you, on a physical level, understand that there is no "normal." There is you, and you are OK.

YOUR GUILT-FREE PASS

When asking questions and making requests, refrain from apologizing and from blurting out an explanation for your question. Just ask it. It's counter-productive if you apologize. Part of this new habit is to become comfortable with the discomfort, till it fades, then disappears. Ask your questions, then simply say an earnest, "Thanks," for the help.

STAY INSIDE THE LANE (BOUNDARIES)

Be sure that you ask for help courteously. Don't try to get the clerk to like you (but be aware of that feeling if it rises) or understand you or validate you. It's perfectly fine to politely make your request, then say thanks, all without explaining why. Take care not to challenge the clerk's boundaries and make the clerk uncomfortable--respect the boundaries of the clerk-customer relationship.

ASK AND ASK, AND YOU'LL FORGET IT WAS EVER HARD

This activity may feel uncomfortable. And that means it's working! Your upbringing taught you to expect to be laughed at or yelled at without warning. But as an adult you can teach yourself that you're OK and that you are welcome to participate in life as fully as possible.

If you make asking questions and making requests part of your self-healing regimen, you'll be surprised at how comfortable being You will become.

Comments

[Josh]

This post was really helpful. I haven't really read much on acoa, and hadn't realized that this was a trait that was because of that.
Thanks