The Characteristics and Common Traits of People Who Grew up in Alcoholic Homes

Don't you just love lists? When I first read the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics I had the sensation of being understood, even welcomed. But I've often wondered who "owns" the lists.

The "Laundry List" was originally written by Tony Allen in 1977, in New York City at a time when there was only one ACA meeting, which he formed with former Alateen members, called "Generations." Generations evolved into ACA, or ACoA. The group declined affiliation with Al-anon back in the 80s because affiliation required trading the Laundry List for the official literature of Al-anon, which Tony felt did not address the unique healing needs of adult children of alcoholics.

ACA meetings, while they include steps very similar to Al-anon and AA, may differ somewhat because ACA is based on the Laundry List. As to how many ACA meetings still use the steps Tony A outlined in his book, it's unclear. If anyone has inside information on the current staus of the Ala-non and ACA relationship, feel free to post a comment.  

The "Characteristics," which are occasionally confused with the Laundry List, were written by author Janet Woititz, in 1983. Most people who grew up in an alcoholic home know Woititz for her book, Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Continued...

THE LAUNDRY LIST

The Laundry List, written by Tony A, appears in his book, The Laundry List, which also includes his version of The 12 Steps.  Tony had incredible instincts about how important it was to differentiate ACoAs/ACAs from AA and Al-anon.  He had special insight into what made adult children of alcoholic's needs different, and did a remarkable job of articulating ACoA issues. Or, maybe he was just a regular guy--but one who was willing to speak up.

Tony A's Laundry List

a. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.

b. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.

c. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism

d. We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

e. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

f. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our own faults.

g. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

h. We become addicted to excitement.

i. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people who we can `pity" and "rescue".

j. We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial).

k. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.

l. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

m. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of the disease even though we did not pick up the drink.

n. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

Tony A's Laundry List.pdf  (courtesy of the acawso website.)

The Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization used his list as the basis of their six-item identification list, "The Problem," adapted directly from Tony's laundry list:

1. We had come to feel isolated, and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat.

2. We either became alcoholics ourselves, married them, or both. Failing that, we found other compulsive personalities, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.

3. We lived live from the standpoint of victims. Having an over developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we trusted ourselves, giving in to others. We became reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative.

4. We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. We keep choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents.

5. These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunction made us 'co-victims', those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and keep them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we often confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue.

6. Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable solutions.

THE CHARACTERISTICS OF ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS

Here are Janet Woititz's Characteristics, published in her book Adult Children of Alcoholics.

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.

2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.

3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.

5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.

6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.

7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.

8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.

9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.

10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.

11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.

12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

I read the "Characteristics" list long ago, before I read Tony A's list. Two key differences between the lists exists: Tony A's is an "us" list, while Janet's is a "them" list. A humility is present in Tony's list that I admire. Both lists are illuminating.

THE 10 ABILITIES OF PEOPLE FROM ALCOHOLIC FAMILIES

Wait. There is no such list.

Lists are liberating, neat and tidy. But, where is the list that expresses the positive, the growth-oriented side of this dark side of the moon?

I'm working on it.

Comments

[David McBurnett]

ACA is a great fellowship, growing by leaps and bounds. The new complete text Big Red Book is an amazing gift to recovery.

[amy eden]

Amen to that, John. I think that the 12 Step people try to make room for non-religious and non-deity thinking by saying that one can define Higher Power as anything...even a rock. But you make a good point; I think that what youre saying is particularly appropriate for adult children, because were all too used to giving credit to others before giving it to ourselves! We ought to credit ourselves.

[Mahamudra]

By insisting "How can dependence on anything or anyone be helpful? Isn't it more effective and helpful for us to believe in our selves and our own strength, decisions and success. After all, I've really got no one to thank or give credit to but myself. I did all of the work. Not my higher power and not God. When is recovery going to be totally free of religion, god or a higher power? Wouldn't the whole process just be easier without it?", the commenter "12 Step Free" makes the same mistake as all formal religions -- insisting that their way is the only one true way. We're all climbing the same spiritual mountain "12 Step Free", but taking different routes.

[Vanessa]

I just want to point out that many of the traits has a flipside that can be positive - but when we live in fear it doesn't work... when we're working the program some of the characteristics that kill us have the ability to serve us.

[Luann]

WOW you have some great stuff on your page. I am alive and recovered because of ACOA and I am truly greatful to all who come before me and took the time to reach out to those of us without a voice or a clue.

[Partick Brown]

Maria Marsala wrote:

"PS. My recollection of his talk was that he, Tony Allen (yes, like most original ACoA's, we used our last names) and Kathleen S were "co-founders" of ACoA...."

Sorry, Maria but I have been informed otherwise and that Tony Allen was not is real name. Although Tony had different views on anonymity he did not use his real name. If you google around enough you can find his real name on the internet. I would go ahead and write it hear but I personally feel that the person that informed me was sort of name dropping and broke Tony's fairly well kept anonymity.

[Maria Marsala]

PS. My recollection of his talk was that he, Tony Allen (yes, like most original ACoA's, we used our last names) and Kathleen S were "co-founders" of ACoA. Tony was a stock broker on Wall Street and before he died in 2004, taught meditation in Florida. And that all the material that came about-- was spearheaded by Tony, but was a collaboration with a group of people.

The using our full names came from the concept that we should not be afriad of who we were. That having kept so much a secret, it was time for us to come out of hiding.

[Maria Marsala]

Great article about ACOA. I had the honor of attending an event or two where Tony spoke. And the PDF you have, I have .... from that meeting. Funny to see how something typewritten looks on the web :)

Thanks again. I miss the ACoA meetings, the way they were meant to be.

[amyeden]

Ann, hi and thanks for your comment!

It's just too ironic - so many of us really identify so strongly with Tony's Laundry List...yet it's an "unapproved" list!

Talk about control issues. :-)

In terms of AAC meetings...they are few and far between.

I hope others will start their own, whether AAC or ACA meetings.

--ae

[ann]

Al-Anon has separate meetings called AAC, Al-Anon's Adult Children. While the Laundry List is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature, groups may use it if they take a group conscience. Many AAC groups use the Laundry List this way. There is still tension over use of this document; in some states the Al-Anon groups will not list AAC groups that use it. My experience is that the people who are most against it, that is, they attend meetings and then dramatically announce that that Laundry List is not approved, are the one in most need of Adult Child recovery.
ACA, the fellowship which began in California, has an awesome Big Book which has just begun circulating where I live and it is having a huge impact.

[12 step Free]

I don't believe in God or a higher power. I am agnostic and believe in evolution. I know that one doesn't "have" to believe in God or be religious to benefit from the steps. I am a the perfect example of that. I was told in rehab that "I had better get on my knees and start praying." or I wasn't going to make it. Ooops! How are the steps supposed to work for me and others like me? The answer is that they don't work for me. I've been working on myself for many years, with no steps and no higher power. Just me and several therapists.
The following is from the above text "Lots of strength and self assurance, humility, dependence on God -all of this comes when an AC is dedicated to finally focusing on themselves with the help of God and others." How can dependence on anything or anyone be helpful? Isn't it more effective and helpful for us to believe in our selves and our own strength, decisions and success. After all, I've really got no one to thank or give credit to but myself. I did all of the work. Not my higher power and not God. When is recovery going to be totally free of religion, god or a higher power? Almost half of the country DOES NOT identify with any particular religion. Wouldn't the whole process just be easier without it? Do I have to modify the process and create my own "higher power", take what I want and leave the rest in order to recover? I think not!

[Kimberly]

Here are some more positive traits:

AC's may have an innate ability to lean on their Higher Power or it may come more easily and naturally to them because they have always needed their Higher Power tremendously.

AC's have a kindness and an empathy which, once steered in the proper direction and co-dependent behaviors are unlearned (!), can benefit highly others around him/her.

AC's have an excellent working sense of their Higher Power as their "inner voice" or "intuition."

AC's, once healed of core identity issues, have a beautiful humility which is characterized by their knowledge of their need for God - and at the same time have a real fortitude and strength, because humility is strength.

Once their denial habit is kicked, AC's have an incredible ability and courage to continue to taking a "fearless moral inventory."

AC's, when healed of core issues, have ability to see pitfalls of other AC's and can be a help and strength to those climbing out of the same pits.

Lots of strength and self assurance, humility, dependence on God -all of this comes when an AC is dedicated to finally focusing on themselves with the help of God and others.

[Dave]

I was just thinking about these traits and step 4. What I am reminded of is that there is a difference between a characteristic/defect and survival patterns. Overreacting to change was a trait of mine until I learned that it came from childhood. In my chaotic home I had to be vigilant and aware of my father at all times. When he was ready to go on a rage binge, I had to protect myself by "vacating". Whether it was physically or mentally. So my survival pattern was to flee, and that carried into adulthood.

[Jeanette]

ACAs Have The Ability To:
1. See red flags and warning signs
2. choose
3. change
4. love with wisdom
5. be empathetic
6. detach
7. give
8. care for self
9. reparent themselves
10. move forward. :)

[secondchancetolive]

Thank you for taking the time to explain the history of ACA and how the common characteristics were developed. Very interesting.