Tips for When You're Tempted to Make a Mountain of a Molehill

Anybody who grew up in an alcoholic family is going to experience feelings of fear in a relationship at some point, and not just once. When we’re talking to ourselves in our heads (“She doesn’t really love me,” or “He’s going to cheat on me.”), we don’t know which voice is helping us and which is hurting us. Is it the old voice or the new, real me?

How are we supposed to know how to decipher the difference between what we think is true, and what is actually true, particularly in relationships? Do you know when it’s an old fear rearing its head and when is it a real issue relevant to the present day that you need to address constructively? How does someone whose natural doubts are valid apply present-day hope and faith to confusing, emotional situations?

Continued...

We just try.

If we don’t have hope in large quantities naturally then I suppose that we have to manufacture great volumes of hope.

It takes really knowing yourself to be able to tell the difference between your ‘scaring myself’ voice and your true gut feelings. Is it easy? No. Does it get easier with practice? Sure. One the one hand, we possess rather well-developed instincts, as most adult children of alcoholics do. We’re superbly good at intuiting, even predicting, other people’s reactions and feelings. We also have a terrific gut instinct about what bothers us (again, we’re sensitive folk). The irony is--while we may hear our gut-instinct, we don’t usually listen to it because we’re too busy putting others’ needs first. And this means we’re lousy at hearing what our gut is telling us, even when we finally want to listen.

Typically, we get an opportunity to practice managing our overreaction response when plans change, one of the most common triggers of an over-reaction. Here are some others.

TRIGGERS

Your friends change your plans without telling you, someone close to you gives you a really disappointing gift, your close friend can’t make the date you scheduled, your fiancée has to work late (again), your partner forgets what your favorite foods are, your weekend plans get rained out and it bothers only you, someone tells you their opinion and you feel attacked, you accidentally hurt someone’s feelings, you had been looking forward to a weekend trip that your boyfriend cannot make at the final hour, etc.

In order to sort out my deep-seated fear-driven response from the simple, valid one, I use a variety of questions. Here are some:

QUESTIONS

Is this an over-reaction or a realistic, proportionate reaction?

Am I using this instance or this person as a whipping post for past hurts? Even just a little?

If I’m over-reacting, what would a proportionate reaction be? And can I model that, even though it means that I won’t be able to fully ‘scratch’ this deep itch of anger or fear in this particular instance?

Can I express my feelings in this situation, to this person, in an honest, non-exaggerated manner?

Am I feeling angry at my parents or childhood right now; is there any extra anger in my reaction that isn’t specific to this event?

Is it possible that I’m scared right now? Like a kid?

This fear, what’s it of? What’s this fear about (being left, not being loved, being criticized, etc.)?

Now that I have a sense of what my fear is, can I attempt to exaggerate it to a point of humor?

Now that I realize fear is present, can I assure myself that I’m not in danger of that happening?

Not getting perspective? Can I sleep on it and agree with myself that I’ll pick up this line of questioning tomorrow or the next day, so that if I’m in danger of getting locked into a fight-or-flight response that I’m giving myself the opportunity to become objective?

If it’s too late to act with honesty in proportion to the event and with respect--can I still own and take responsibility for my reaction, be humble?

It is often useful to evaluate your environment in relationship to your reactions: what day is it (is that a significant day?); where are you (on your way to or from your therapist's office or from a bad day at work?); and what is going on soon (are you leaving for a trip or is your partner leaving on a trip? or did you just return from one?); and consider what other situations resemble this one for you--are you just mad about now or all the other times? Find the molehill in that mountain.

While I don’t always feel like an adult saying this, I use different variations of this template to fake it till I make it.

REACTION TEMPLATE

One potential reaction to changed plans is, “Well, I’m disappointed that we’re not ______________ . I was really looking forward to it, particularly because I really like ______________. So, let’s come up with a good alternate plan, or a way to do it sometime soon.”

Sometimes I say, “Let’s talk about alternate plans in an hour or so,” if I’m having a hard time managing my over-reaction.

What to do with the left over hurt feelings? Take those excess feelings to your counselor, therapist, or support group. That’s what I do.

If you’re able to exaggerate and find the humor, go for this but be sure you use a voice that makes it clear (to yourself) that you’re in humor-mode:

If I were five years old, I would throw myself down on the ground right now and throw a tantrum that would be the envy of all childish tantrums. I can’t believe the world and you and everyone--the animals in the forest--have conspired against me today. I deserve a three-foot high trophy for my victim-hood--a big teardrop of gold. Do you mind overseeing the award ceremony?

I hope there’s something here that you can add to your own list, based on what your habitual reactions are, in what stage of recovery you are, and what you know of yourself. It’s a great tool when you’re unsure if you can trust your reaction simply because our fear so often nearly-exactly resembles our true gut instincts. And it has such an old, powerful hold on us.

When I get mad, it’s because I’m hurt. As soon as I realize I’m mad, I try to remember to ask myself, What feelings just got hurt? I also try to keep in mind that when my feelings are hurt that it’s okay to tell someone that my feelings were hurt but it’s not okay to rip apart the person’s character and hurt them back in an attempt to cure my hurt and anger. Sometimes I recall this woman I saw at the airport once, who was getting hysterical and making a scene while yelling at her husband. When I remember her, my behavior becomes more mature, calm and collected at once!

Think of yourself as a kid (there is, after all, that hurt child inside you whom you’re raising and nurturing), and try to be that ideal, objective, neutral parent who can acknowledge a kid’s feelings without being overpowered by them and can say, “You’re absolutely right, that must hurt. Now, do you want to throw a tantrum, or collect yourself and enjoy the rest of the day?“

Don’t shoot for perfect, by the way. Recovery is a practice. In yoga and meditation the word practice is used--meditation practice and yoga practice. I like that as it’s an acknowledgement of the fact that it’s two steps forward and one step back much of the time. But those left over one step forwards sure add up!

Be good to yourself.

Comments

[Elaine]

Thank you for posting these suggestions. This is my BIGGEST problem right now, and although I'm becoming more aware of when I do it, I don't have much in the way of concrete solutions or ways to derail myself. Thank you!