If You Wanna Stop Lying, You Gotta Accept Yourself

The more I write about issues of adult children of alcoholics, the more I realize this fact: almost all of our issues are tied to not enough self-acceptance.

You're okay.

It accounts for why we lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. It’s why we are full of generalized shame, that fear of being found out, and why we feel so easily criticized and then become angry, defensive… We’re chameleons, becoming whatever 'they' want, as if by instinct, all because we don’t accept ourselves as we are.

Accept who you are. And start telling the truth.

Continued...

I’m saying that to me, as well as to you. Tell the truth.

We're people who feel different from others and we grew up feeling embarrassed, so of course we assume we need to lie. The irony is, we started to lie because of our discomfort with who we are, we lied in order to appear normal!

Last weekend I had agreed to see a movie with a friend on a Sunday night. This, despite the fact that I’d told myself I'd wouldn't agree to plans on a Sunday night because I like to have Sunday evenings to myself, to savor the final bits of the weekend and think about the week ahead in peace. But my friend’s schedule and mine rarely match up, so Sunday was the only opportunity to get together. But on Sunday morning I knew I wanted to stay home and be relaxed, cozy, and warm and read or watch a movie. I so did not feel like leaving the house.

I called my friend early in the day on Sunday and told her exactly what I just wrote – the truth.

I said, “I know we’d talked about seeing a movie tonight. I’d really love to see you, but I need to stay home tonight, do quiet things and get ready for the week ahead. Can we postpone?”

And, of course, it was no biggie.

Thing is, there was a fleeting moment in which I’d considered lying to her. I’d considered saying that I wasn’t feeling well, or that I had to prepare a report for work, or that I had to run an errand that wouldn’t allow me enough time to make the movie.

It was just a quick moment, a thought that occupied my mind for maybe two seconds. Yet, it was there. I also felt a fluttering in my gut, and that cotton-candy-brain feeling of bewilderment began to accumulate in my mind. Those are the bodily sensations that tell me that I’m having a reaction that comes from childhood issues.

So I took a moment to check in with myself. “Why did you consider lying to Anna?”’

I answered, “It’s selfish to stay home…I don’t want to be that person.”

“And…?” I asked.

I answered, “And I don’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings. I don't want her to feel rejected or that I don't like her enough.”

Not only did I think it was “selfish” to stay home, but I was also taking responsibility for (a) having control over my friend’s feelings and (b) feeling responsible for her feelings. Eugh. All that crap—wrapped inside a two-second thought!

Now, if someone can't handle your truth and you've delivered it with honesty and care, you're not the one with the issue at that point (and that other person will have to deal with their own issues by themselves). Do not accept a guilt trip, don't let that crap stick to you.

Anticipation of telling what you believe to be unwelcome news is always fraught with panic, worry, and what-if horrors. Anticipation—those moments between one action and other—is when your mind is going to play it’s most creatively wicked games. Don’t let it have that fear party in your head.

Take action, with honestly. You’ll always feel the difference. I swear.

Comments

[amy eden]

Ha! Well, I trust you're telling the truth when you say you just exaggerate!

The lying I've done protects my time to myself, I've used it to get much-loved solitude. Something like telling a co-worker I was leaving to run an errand when, really, I'd be going for a short walk for air and reflection (and didn't want my co-worker to invite herself along).

Much of this kind of lying (being elusive) I've done at my workplace, come to think of it.

I found it hard - and still do, at times - to set boundaries in the workplace... that is, to set boundaries with complete calm and honesty.

The grown up me would say...: "I'm going for a walk to clear my mind. I'd invite you along, but today I need a solo walk."

Awannabe, thanks for the note!

[awannabe]

Thanks so much for yet another uplifting post.

I still say I don't lie, I just exaggerate sometimes.