Are You Searching for Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage is on people's minds. It's a popular topic. It's a frequently searched term on Google, believe it or not. More frequent than self-esteem or self-confidence. To me, that's a good thing and a bad thing. In my ideal world, in which Google would still probably rule the consumer technology landscape, people would search terms like 'joy' or 'getting happy' or 'laughing' and so on. (I did a search for 'laughing' and found the video of a baby laughing, which is hard to watch without, at the very least, chuckling. You can see the video, which is at the end of this post.) But, then again, the reason people are searching 'self-sabotage' is because they want to know what it is, why it is, and how to get away from it. And that's good.

The fact that self-sabotage is popular and an enormous stumbling block for us adult children of alcoholics has inspired me to write more than the two posts below and to attempt exhausting the topic -- not to the limits of professional psychological knowledge about self-sabotage, but I will at least exhaust the topic to the limits of just my own personal knowledge, experience, and opinions about it. We'll see how long that takes!

Here's a link to a previous post about self-sabotage that is due to having trouble breaking-down projects into steps one, two, etc.: Self Sabotage II.

Here's a link to a previous post about Janet Woititz's book about self-sabotage at work (an essential book that you must read (and cheap) if you are here because you Googled 'self-sabotage'. Self-Sabotage at Work. There is a link to this book on the right, it's called Self-Sabotage Syndrome: Adult Children of Alcoholics in the Workplace.

Self-Sabotage doesn't feel very good.

Continued...

WHAT SELF-SABOTAGE FEELS LIKE

You were gonna do something, but you never started it, or you never finished it. Dread is one feeling I think of when I think of self-sabotage. And then I think about lying. Lying to myself that I wanted to do the project that I failed to start or failed to finish. There's also that sense of hiding, or invisibility, tied to lying to myself about failing to finish a project -- because I am keeping it to myself and/or lying about it's importance, I am concealing part of myself. And then of course there is the feeling of shame. What, oh what, would an adult child of alcoholics be if not two-thirds shame?

WHY YOU GET TANGLED IN SELF-SABOTAGE

You take on too much.

Taking on too much and setting your goals too high is easy, but risky. This is a multi-tasking, top-speed society now. Move! Go! Go! Go! It's sick, frankly. And it's a bummer because we're, like, human and we're not computers. Yet, as author Stephanie Brown said, we seem to compare ourselves to computers! We think that because of all the email that comes into our inboxes that we're "supposed" to be able to keep on top of it all, but that is racing yourself (a human) against a machine. Not fair. Don't do it.

You think too much.

Do you have a picture in your head about how things are supposed to go? Ditch it. It's not helping you. We think a lot. We think about how things will go, like movie directors, and it really gets in the way. If you planned to end a relationship, quit a job, ask someone on a date, etc. whatever it is that you want to do but are in a tangle of self-sabotage about -- stop thinking about how it will go. It will not be like the picture in your head.

You do want to have a goal to work toward, and of course you will have that in your head as a goal, but what I mean is don't assume you know what the outcome will be like, and don't get attached to a pre-conceived idea of how someone will react to you (if it's a break-up, quitting, etc.) because that will paralyze you.

Just think about the little next step you need to make as part of your goal or project, and focus on that -- not the end result. That will come.

HOW TO STOP SABOTAGING YOUSELF

Do an inventory of past projects.

Think about a recent "failed" project or goal, no matter how small, no matter how big. Is it abstract, or concrete? Did you think through the steps? Take a few minutes to think about whether or not your timeframe and expectations were realistic for the project. Do you have a project in mind? Write down what the project was. Write down what you think are the steps involved to get it done. Are they abstract steps, or specific? (Make them specific.) Make a note next to each step about the time you think that step will take. Add it up. Now, had you given that goal enough time? Or did you get frustrated too soon and abandon the goal?

Write out ALL the steps involved.

Really, write them out (don't think them out, write them down). Even if it's a silly, short project.

Here's my example. I am applying for a writing grant; here is the break-out of steps involved in applying:

(1) print out application information

(2) read and make notes on the application

(3) schedule an hour to think about what I will say on the application (my purpose for requesting the grant)

(4) look at my writing and pick the most appropriate short story to send

(5) proofread that story

(6) complete online application, and print out (schedule in calendar)

(7) proofread everything again (story and application)

(8) double-check the rules and guidelines checklist before sending

(9) mail the packet

(10) make a note in my calendar about the announcement of winners date

Start giving yourself TWICE AS LONG as you think you need.

Rule of thumb: everything takes much longer than we think. I've worked on this blog for a couple of years. It was only last week that I designed and uploaded my own banner. It was on my blog checklist for that long! And, now, it's done.

Any recipe in a cookbook that says "takes 40 minutes," actually takes an hour and a half when I am cooking it for the first time. I've started to cross out the number they print, and write my own number (which is always longer.)

Even something as simple as making your lunch can present an opportunity to plan. If you're someone who wonders why you can never keep your promise to yourself to make your lunch - try another way. Make it the night before. Bring what you need to work, and make your sandwich there. If there is a fridge at work, keep food there to assemble lunches. Or, make a few lunches on Sunday night, and freeze them - in the evening grab what you want thawed out by the next day. Wake up 30 minutes earlier to give yourself enough time to make the lunch. Write it down, remind yourself. Try another way.

We start projects because we're human, and we are driven to do projects and create things. We jump into action because we're naturally movtivated (by nature). But the difference between someone who jumps into action and the person who finishes the project and reaches the goal is: planning, pacing, and accepting that things take time.

Re-start abandoned projects.

You're not finished till you're finished, right? Is there any reason why you can't start again? Wait, I'll answer that for you: no, there's no reason why you can't start-up one of those "failed" projects again now.

Be good to yourself.

-- amy eden

PS: laughing time:

Comments

[L]

I came here searching for self sabotage...

This blog looks amazing. I'm the adult grandchild of alcoholics, and the adult child of depressives. My parents didn't drink, but it seems the patterns remain even if part of the cycle is broken. I see so much of myself and family in your posts. Thank you for your incredible resource.

[amyeden]

Hi, Craig!

Just fixed those links - thanks for letting me know they weren't working! (I just learned that I cannot use trackbacks to my own posts.)

Self-sabotage gives us all a common ground from which to start.

I'm working on another self-sabotage post for Thursday.

Peace -- amy eden

[Craig J. Phillips MRC, BA]

Hi Amy,
Thank you for taking the time to develope this article. Self-sabotage is something I wrestle with as an adult child. Please let me know as you write more on this topic.

Per your information this link you have in your article does not work. Self-sabotage and breaking-down steps of a project.

Have a simply phenomenal day!

Craig