Shipping Your True Self Home for the Holidays

This time of year, the holidays, is often tough emotionally for adult children of alcoholics. Many of us can remember joy being diminished by an alcoholic parent causing a scene or the emotional tantrums of other family members. We dread that role we inevitably take on when we go home - our old self.

But, must you succumb to that old self when you go home?

No way. You can let your family be your laboratory! Use your family environment to try out some of your best, new true self maneuvers!

Continued...

CHILDHOOD HOME AS TEST SITE

If you go home for the holidays, at the very least protect your true self, don't stuff it down. Tell the truth, represent your true self and feelings, and be sure that you are doing the things that you enjoy.

If it's true that the most effective method for healing deep-seated codependent behaviors is with your immediate family, then the holidays are a great opportunity to break old habits and practice new ones. The holidays are the hardest time to put new behaviors into action because you're up against a whole family's behaviors rather than just one member. If your siblings are still acting in old ways, and your parents are, too, then it's that much harder for you to break out of your own mold. It feels like swimming upstream. But, you can do it.

OVER-REACTION

When one member changes his or her reaction pattern, it gives others room for their own growth. If you can use the holidays to stop over-reacting to others and taking their comments personally, you will give others room to access and show their better selves as well. Keep in mind that your family is doing the best that they can at this time in their life and emotional environment. You, too, are doing the best you can. Be compassionate to yourself and expect of others only what you know is actually realistic. Honor the boundaries and emotional and psychological limitations of others. Don't get distracted from cultivating your true self by focusing on the inadequacies of your family.

GUILT-TRIPS

If you smell a guilt trip, ignore it. This method never fails! Ignore all guilt trips. They do not exist for you. You are oil, the guilt is water. It does not stick. Move on. Guilt is their issue. Not yours.

Remember that you're likely to be reading into every inflection in what your family says, and you will be prone to think they're criticizing you when, in actuality, they're not. (If they truly do speak critically of you, remember it's a reflection of them -- not you.) If you need clarification, just ask, "Is that...a criticism?" Just be sure that your tone of voice is open-minded, not full of accusation.

That kind of question is a good rule of thumb for us folk who often have no idea when we're not being criticized.

OBSERVE THE SOURCE

Use the holidays and family time to observe that from which you came: you can get a clearer view of yourself by watching your family. You are one of them. Try to view your family and how everyone interacts in a detached and curious way. Don't judge, just observe and notice. Learn what you can - it will help you grow and accept yourself.

FIND THE FUNNY

Because it brought me so much relief, I recommend that you seek those qualities and activities which you enjoy about and with your family. Allow yourself to see what's absurd and funny about your family. If people can handle it, make fun of yourselves. Embrace the lightness and joy where you can find it. Let it exist.

FAMILY RESEARCH

You could also use the time to find out more about your family members' history. Ask questions. What were the holidays like for your father, mother, aunt, uncle or grandparents? Ask what presents they remember receiving when they were kids. Ask - then...listen.

CARE FOR YOURSELF

Be sure to take time for yourself to make sure you're OK during the holidays. Take a walk. Be quiet. Do what you need to do to be sure that you are caring for your self, center, and soul.

If you drink, take care not to overindulge during the holidays. Be sure you're not self-medicating. Plan an extra appointment with your counselor or therapist and get additional exercise at this time of year. This will keep your center and sense of self strong.

Be home to yourself, wherever you are.

Comments

[susan]

It has been many many years since I subjected myself to a dysfunctional family function. I healed by creating joyful and healthy holidays for my children (who are now grown) and leaving the crazy people behind. I wish the same for everyone in recovery. Heal the hurt and leave it behind.

Peace,
Susan

[sanity in Maine]

Need to reach out for sanity sake. Wanted a simple peaceful Christmas so am not spending it with family. Told my Mom we'd talk alot on Christmas Eve day (my birthday) as we'd both be alone. She'd been alot more kind etc over the past 6 months so made the mistake of trying to set some boundaries around the phone call. Before I really got started, she launched (in her old style) into her version of something that had happened more than a year ago. Makes me sick to try and think it through because there is so much codependance and very little truth involved. Suffice it to say she now calls it " unforgivable" and I couldn't get a word in then she hung up. But not before telling me some family members agree with how awful I am. I am the only sober recovering person in my family of origin and have worked on building relationships especially in the last few years. Didn't see this coming and had avoided trying to solve the old problems because of the steamroller effect. I can just hear the phone calls now to some of my sisters " Look what she did now!!! " Guess I wouldn't mind being the jerk if I was one. For a bit now today it feels like my hard fought mental, emotional and physical sobriety is threatened. I hate dysfunction so much.

[Peter]

Yes, this time was difficult to me so many years. I have been sitting there for hours on Christmas Eve and my father was mad with my mother or us little boys. Mother were allowed to warm the dinner so we could eat, just to make a new 'failure' meaning she had to stop cooking, and continue sorting things out. It went on for hours. Until he 'showed mercy' and we could have our christmas'celebration'meal and the gifts often late night.
I felt it as an eternal struggle never coming to an end.
Being a father and husband myself with a wish making christmas a wonderful and heartfelt time for my beloved family has been an overwhelming experience overriding the deep and severe grief the losses of my childhood provided me. ACA and the Steps and the spiritual awakenig not to mention loving, striving friends I met in this fellowship made the difference to me and healed my wounds.

Thank you for this blog!

Peter