We talk about relationships in terms of "good" and "bad" ones. I worry about this. I worry that it sends the wrong message to others like us, and encourages black and white thinking. Things aren't good or bad, we just try to label them thus.
Can't we evaluate our past and current relationships in more particular and less judgmental terms? We must try. I mean, we chose our relationships, so we ought to take responsibility for those choices and view them with a sympathetic mind. Take responsibility; labeling the relationship or other person 'bad' isn't just over-simplification, it's also a form of denying personal responsibility.
It took me a while, and this may well be true for many of you, too, to understand how people could be friends after having had a relationship. I figure that if it was good enough that both people are still interested in staying friends, and can get along and be genuinely interested in each other, then the relationship should have worked out. If you broke up, it must have been a bad relationship, and there's no reason to stay friends and there's no real way to stay friends if things were bad.
But, isn't that a shallow, simple way to view relationships? Since we're human beings, aren't things just a bit more complex?
They so are.
Continued....
Of course I learned the "good" and "bad" relationship language while growing up. Listening to my stepmother comment on the "bad" husbands and "bad" relationships, or worse, "doomed" relationships -- this language taught me that a relationship is either one or the other, and also -- that other people can see it from the outside (not true). I had come to believe that it's rare to find a good relationship. Once I grew up, had some relationships and talked to others about theirs, I realized that there are thousands upon thousands of types of relationships, and none are either good or bad. None of them.
And, there are as many theories about the "purpose" of relationships as there are relationships.
Some people think that relationships come to us to teach us a needed lesson, to "prepare" us for the next relationship. Maybe. Maybe not. (It would suggest that the world revolves around us...) Some people think that if a relationship doesn't work out, that we have a problem with relationships -- that we're in a pattern-repeating cycle. Maybe. Maybe not. Some people think The One is out there, one person right for them in a billion people. Some people think that it's all timing -- that we find the "right" relationship at the right time in our lives and at the right time in the life of the other person. This strikes me as an organic, selfless, and hopeful perspective, and it's my own personal belief about relationships. Maybe it's accurate, maybe it's not.
What's your theory about relationships and "why" they occur? In what is that belief based?
Someone close to me just opened the door to communication with his ex-wife. They divorced a few years ago after many, many years of marriage. It would of course be easiest to never speak again, but...wait, is that easier? Or, rather, does the negative "ignoring her" energy take up a certain amount of mental and emotional space in him? I believe it does. It will be a personal choice each of them makes to be in open communication and to find a way to get along despite their past and differences -- it will require a certain new maturity, faith, and openness to vulnerability.
It's part of our culture to talk about and think about our ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands, ex-girlfriends, and ex-wives as the bad guy -- we do this in our politics as well in this country. Challenge yourself to think differently.
Forgive yourself for having tried to help or save or change someone, and for having stayed in a relationship for too long. Move on. Acknowledge your choices. Understand them. Forgive yourself. Move on. Best thing we can all do is to contemplate and learn from our mistakes. That process brings change. Now, if you were in a relationship in which there was physical or verbal abuse, have the courage to forgive yourself that choice and do what's necessary to start new emotional habits that will lead you in new directions and into new relationships.
For us, healthy relationships aren't always "comfortable." What I mean by that isn't that they feel bad, but that they are very new, and very different. Old, unhealthy, codependent relationships feel all-too-comfortable. I think you know what I mean. Healthy ones don't have that feeling. They provide opportunities for us to practice new habits, set boundaries, and be ourselves. In a healthy relationship you will be able to set a boundary -- "I'm going home now, or I have to get off the phone, or I want time to myself, etc." -- will not be greeted with a guilt-trip, but with an "Okay, see you later." This will be 'uncomfortable' only because it's new, and different. But, wonderfully beautiful and different.
--ae
Want to know the secrets of saving your relationship? They can be learned, and I teach them.
Posted by: | 10 April 2009 at 07:29 AM
As I get older I start to think of that in love feeling as being delusional.I try not to have a cold heart.I do believe in the yen/yang and do think we are loving creatures.After reading Healing the Shame That Binds you,the 2005 updated addition,by Bradshaw I learned more of the chemical romance part.In the 1988 version I learned alot about me as a shame based person.I have 4 children and I try to teach them we have to complete ourselves,others can't make us feel complete.I then wonder if I am robbing them of there lesson.I asked one persons theory on why do two sick people get attracted to each other and they said it was Gods way of trying to clean up the gene pool by them all killing each other.I loved that! I do think there is some psycology behind it.I was in books a million trying to avoid the temptation of being lured to my ex-girlfreinds house and I picked up a book on recovery and one of those strange coincidences occured.The page I turned to went a little like this.What they don't realize is the freedom involved in getting to let go of both their alcohol and their(others)....this makes it possible for them to be in a relationship with others because it allows them to see that they have a disease and they have to recover from it.I think the disease is two-fold and that in our confused search for spirituality we reach for a security blanket,stir up the PEA/dopamine cocktails with a splash of oxytocin(Bradshaw)and bam we are in love and complete but as he says about 18 months to 3 years later the cocktails wear off and you have two needy kids again each expecting the other to complete them.What I want to find is a girl that I can ask can we go out for some PEA/Dopamine cocktails and let our inner child play togeather.Then if she understands what the hell I am talking about at least I'll know she has done her homework.One day I may feel healed enough to use that line but for now I know it needs to be about me.I do like what Echart Tolle has to say you will grow alot quicker when you are in a relationship ,basically for me I think he meant you will see your issues.I am just fine meditating in my space but 'my inability to relate to others was probably the cause of my alcoholism'(page 80 12/12).Weather a learned trait or not it is there and I know the solution for me is to have relations to others(not just one) and save the sexual stuff as sacred.As my spirituality grows I'm sure I'll know how to express my sexuality.If I am a spiritual being having a human experience than I am allowed the sexuality too.Today I know it is VERY dangerous situation if not thought out.A good freind of mine tells me to always thank my teachers,the ex-wife is included.My ex-girl freind gave me a card for Christmas she said the part on the card about her 'respecting my space' is why she brought it.I still feel that she thinks she gave me a gift by "giving me my space" yet it was never hers to begin with.I also realize it will not work because I should be able to set up a guilt free boundry,which I can't!Someone told me the other day my mistake is that I give her an ounce of hope and because of that she will not give up on us.I want to remain freinds I even love her but as a freind.That"Ignoring her"energy depletes me and it is only when I know we are completely seperate and that she is not waiting on me that I feel O.K.and not smothered.Unfortunately she is still waiting and I feel kind of like'survival guilt'.I did tell her I wasn't interested in getting in another relatioship,I realize I have been lying to myself and I want to be in a relationship(a healthy one.)I also realize I am not healthy enough yet and until I resolve more of my chidhood(neediness)I would not only do myself in and hurt another girl also.I also think that we are needy by nature.If I wait to long for just the right combination I will probably die single,I don't want that.In the book a million I spend alot of time in the personal growth section and just to the right of that there are hundreds of books on relationships,I have never picked one up. I think what I need to learn is about me(which is an unselfish act) and the rest will fall into place.My theory is very flexible.I do think that Love is worth the effort put into figuring this stuff out.Learning to Love myself is the most important,which is easy for me to ignore.Thank You,Patrick
Posted by: Partrick | 26 January 2008 at 09:57 AM