There's Been a Change of Plan - Are You Going to Freak Out?

Have you ever noticed that when plans change--even a little bit--you get widgy? Itchy? Uncomfortable? Cranky? You thought you were going to run an errand, but your husband took the car without telling you. You planned a party, and half the people cancelled one day before. Your boss tells you that you need to give a presentation, at the last minute. Ever notice that you feel caught off-guard when it happens, and that the unexpectedness of it is what's hardest for you?

When plans change mid-stream, it's irritating. But for adult children of alcoholics, it's anxiety-provoking and even paralyzing. When plans change, which can mean something as small as making an out-of-way stop for your sister on your way home; or that your boyfriend isn't feeling up to a movie you'd agreed to see; or when all the items you want to order at a restaurant is everything they've run out of that night; or your doctor has to re-schedule your appointment...these are all changes to a plan. (Changes to our plan, not the plan of the Universe.) And we don't know how to cope with them very gracefully. We're used to rigidity! That's what we were taught. Control is king!

The world, however, is fluid. We were brought up rigid. But you can't be rigid in a fluid world. We've got to learn to be fluid, bendable, flexible, nimble, and plugged-into spontaneity.

CONTINUED...

One time, I was spending the evening with two of my girlfriends. They were each a close friend of mine, but not of each other and only spent time with one another when it was with me. We had plans to meet at Anne's apartment, then go see a movie down the street. That was the plan. I arrived first. I was excited to see the movie. I love going to the movies. In fact, I can enjoy bad movies. I love stories, and it's great to see them played out visually, so vividly, on film in the dark. My friend Enni arrived after me. She was in a sad mood because she'd recently been broken up with rather suddenly. We sat talking for a while, listening to Enni talk about how she was coping with the break-up and what it was like adjusting to being single again.

After a while, I noticed that if we were going to get to the movie on time, which was the plan, that we needed to leave pretty soon. So I said, "Isn't the movie at 7:25?" Enni sat forward to stand up, but Anne didn't move. She leaned back, and said, "Well, we don't have to see a movie." I heard myself blurt out, "But I really want to." (Why was she sabotaging our plans? Why did she have to change things? What a control freak Anne is!) I looked at Enni to see what her interest level was, and she looked like she didn't care either way. (She seemed unattached to our original plan.) So Anne said, "Why don't we walk down the street and get Thai food instead of going to a movie?" I shrugged. (She probably never intended to go to the movies. She doesn't care that we had a plan.) "I guess," I said. I was making it clear--verbally and non-verbally--that I wasn't happy with the plans. I was a five-year-old.

I was feeling like a child, and acting like one. "But I really want to." Ugh. The ironic thing is, that I love going out to eat, I love Thai food, and on any other night I would have been excited to do that with these two friends! The only difference was, well, that wasn't the plan! If our plan had been to eat Thai food, I wouldn't have gotten cranky. That's the worst of it -- it's not what the plan changes to so much as it's the change itself that gets me rattled.

IF YOU CAN COPE WITH CHANGE OF PLANS YOU CAN BECOME MORE SPONTANEOUS

And, you can also work on being less of a control freak. By going with the flow of changed plans you let go of control. It all works together. By becoming aware of your emotional reaction when plans change, you can get a better read on your 'pressure' points -- what bothers you most about changed plans? Ask yourself that next time plans change (and they will). Are you frustrated that the plans changed because you're not getting your way, because you're not in control, because you feel things are falling apart, or...what? What's going on with you in those moments?

YOU ARE NOT VOICELESS WHEN PLANS CHANGE

You're not voiceless when plans change. You can say, "This is frustrating." Or, "I don't like that the plans are changing." Or, you can be really honest and funny at the same time and say, "Control freaks like me usually combust when plans change, but...I guess this time I cope." Or, "What?! Change the plan!? Plans aren't supposed to change. Plans are fixed like glue. How dare you try to change what's set in stone!" (That only works if you're also laughing and using a fake sorcerer's voice.)

Or, you can ask, "I thought the plan was to go to the movies. Why don't we stick to that plan?" That's a fair question. It's important that you understand why others want the change--who knows what their reason is. You might be surprised; sometimes people are in the habit of throwing out suggestions to contribute, their idea of "helpful," without meaning to demand a change to your precious plans. Be open to that.

Blurting out, "But we agreed!" Or, "I don't want to!" won't get you very far, and you'll feel awfully young saying that. (Even if it's how you feel - five years old.)

Your reaction may be to freak out when you have the slightest whiff of someone's desire to change the plans, so remember that since you're ultra-sensitive that you might over-react unnecessarily. Be sure to get all the information you need first, then react. Don't assume the worst.

YOU CAN STILL SAY NO

You don't like that the plan changed, right? Your first instinct might be to back out of the plans, simply because you're frustrated and freaked-out about the change in plans. Take care to determine whether you are having a defensive reaction or, rather, if you are really just not into the new plans. Be honest with yourself about it. It's not easy to tell the difference between defensiveness and your true feelings when you're in the midst of a reaction! If you really don't want to join in the new plans, just say so and go do your own thing. (Just be sure you're not doing it out of fear, spite, or because you can't handle changed plans.) Just remember, you can always say, "No thanks. I'm going to do my own thing." Or you can modify your participation and take part in half of the plans - find a creative solution so that you're comfortable.

NOT EVERYONE THINKS THAT A PLAN IS A FIXED THING

Some people (like me) feel a sense of relief arriving at a plan. We like knowing what's going to happen, and we like the satisfaction of arriving at final decisions. And, we're used to plans being followed, stuck to. We're not used to plans being treated as 'rough drafts'. We take plans very seriously.

That is just not the case for everyone. Keep in mind that each one of us comes from a different culture, value system, and experience. Even when you think you know someone pretty well, you can accidentally assume they're like you in ways that they're not. Some people think of plans as something that are meant to change -- that's just how they are. That kind of person may bring up anxiety for someone who thinks of plans as "fixed." But that kind of person could also be very good for the "fixed plan" kind of person -- it's the person who clings to fixed plans who needs to loosen up. Not completely, but certainly a bit. (The person who changes plans constantly could also benefit from time spent around someone who knows how to set and follow plans!)

There may be times when you need to explain yourself to others, with regard to plans. You may have to say, "Look, I know you really want to keep the day open and just see how things unfold, which is a beautiful thing and I could learn a lot from that -- but, I am someone who like plans. So, can we agree to a couple of activities today, and set a time for at least one? That would help me get some structure (and sanity) into my day." That's fair. No reason why you can't meet half-way. Just remember to help yourself in the ways that you need to.

CHANGE OF PLANS GIVES YOU A CHANCE TO PRACTICE BEING AN ADULT

And, in the end, remember that a change of plans gives you many opportunities for growing up:

it gives you practice at saying NO ("No thanks, I think I'm going to do my own thing."
it exposes you to spontaneity ("Change of plan? Sure, that's cool.")
it helps you get comfortable with letting go of your need to have control (Change and freedom aren't compatible with control)
it helps you release your need to control situations (You can learn to go with the flow)

Go forth! Seek a change of plans! Face change.

You can cope.

Comments

[CJ's Mommy]

just when you think you go w/the flow.. all of a sudden you realize... yeah i hate WHEN plans change, i'm a notorious control freak, but workin on it (hourly)! hah.. pleased to come across this blog, and will certainly be returning (not hourly dont worry i'm an acoa not a stalker)! hehe

[CJ's Mommy]

just when you think you go w/the flow.. all of a sudden you realize... yeah i hate WHEN plans change, i'm a notorious control freak, but workin on it (hourly)! hah.. pleased to come across this blog, and will certainly be returning (not hourly dont worry i'm an acoa not a stalker)! hehe

[CJ's Mommy]

just when you think you go w/the flow.. all of a sudden you realize... yeah i hate WHEN plans change, i'm a notorious control freak, but workin on it (hourly)! hah.. pleased to come across this blog, and will certainly be returning (not hourly dont worry i'm an acoa not a stalker)! hehe

[tommy fowler]

Hi Amy, good to be back.
I was in California last week – trip with friends. We planed to see perticular places, stay in previously chosen hotels, etc. but of course this plan fall apart on the first day. And I, of course, was freaking out almost whole week.
I enjoyed this trip but much less than I expected because of each of dozen changes in the plan and complete lack of control over the trip. Truly, nothing deeply wrong happened but my habits made it little unpleasant for me and my friends.
Looks like many of us scare chaos so much that even positive spontaneity is a habit we are not familiar with.
Great article - very helpful!

[Patrick]

I have been Freaking Out most of my life.

I didn't know I could make my own plans and often wasn't motivated to make plans,or to even care!

Today I do care and I have lots of hope.

I am so glad I found your site with Adult Child information.

Now, I can keep from freaking out the rest of my life.

Thanks Amy,
I plan on visiting your site ofetn!