Get Confident about Your Intelligence

I was out with the neighbor's recently, after dinner at their house. Their other guests were a couple they've known for many years -- a seventy year old archaeologist and his fifty year old wife, a high school teacher. She is his fourth or fifth wife. I classified him as a narcissist within one minute of meeting him, then an alcoholic an hour later. (You all know what it's like to have such a finely-tuned radar.) The archaeologist writes books and was very interesting, so I tried to listen to him and filter out the noise of his dreary behavioral tics.

"You're not very educated, are you?" the archaeologist said to me after an hour, rhetorically, after having monopolized my attention and quoting the Koran only to find out that I have not read it. He said it like he meant to think it to himself, but happened to say the comment out loud. It wasn't a question, he was just kindly letting me know this thing about myself. The irony was that at this point in the evening he was inebriated and slurring his words and out of focus. So, his telling me that I'm not very educated earned about as much respect from me as would a child molester trying to give me parenting advice.

But it reminded me about something. It reminded me that we often feel dumb - or, rather, worry about being thought of as dumb. It's part of the hiding mindset that we're used to from childhood when everything was embarrassing. We assume that we don't know all the things that most people know. We think we're under-educated. And we're super-scared of this fact being found out, and we work to avoid it.

CONTINUED...

Everything about living with the fear of being thought dumb is problematic. Because it means we live with feelings of shame. Because it means that we're anxious about being 'found out," and because it means that we're insecure. We need to turn that around.

We're not dumb, and we're not going to be 'found out.' Usually, when you admit you don't know something, someone will explain it to you. Only insufferably insecure people will tease you about what you don't know.

You're Not Dumb

Accept the fact that you're not dumb. Believe that you have nothing to hide. So what if you don't know everything! Who does? Nobody. Don't pick on yourself for your weaknesses, focus on your strengths and feel good about what you know. Once you believe in your mind, you can never be insulted - you can't even be insulted by yourself.

Leave your hyper-critical parents and your hyper-critical self behind. Start now.

Google It

Covering up and hiding what you don't know only keeps you ignorant about those things.

Anxiety is cured by action. Take action. Figure out what you're most insecure about not knowing. Then, go out and learn about it. Tackle your fear. Is there something that you recently covered-up not knowing? Go learn about it. Why not? You're only adding fuel to your shame by keeping yourself in the dark. Learning means growth and growth will always lead you to better self-esteem and joy.

Did you recently sort of lie about knowing about a book, a person, or a certain country? People do that all the time -- really smart people do it -- but there's no reason to, not even for the sake of keeping a conversation flowing. Plus, if you act like you know what people are taking about, you miss out on an opportunity to learn something.

Get Comfortable with I Don't Know.

I've always admired people who say, "Hmm, I don't know," with calm. It takes self-esteem to say you don't know. It's also honest. So, there are two good reasons for us to practice saying I don't know -- to be as honest as possible and to get used to the feeling of self-esteem that it takes to say that. You may expect people to laugh or make fun of you - but that actually rarely happens.

As for the people who say, "You never saw (insert name of movie)?!" "I can't believe you never saw (insert name of movie)!!?" "Really!!? You never saw (insert name of movie)?!?" That will never stop and it will never stop being annoying.

Stay Cool, Calm and Collected

Sometimes we mistakenly think people are challenging our intelligence when they are not -- not at all. We tend to get defensive that we're being insulted, when that's not what's happening. That doesn't make us look dumb, but it sure makes us look defensive and insecure. Keep your defensiveness in check. Remember that intelligence is a sensitive issue for you.

Before you get defensive, ask questions -- "I'm not sure I understand what you're saying/asking of me?" Or just simply, "What do you mean?" Maybe you just moved into a new apartment and someone's asking you why you picked this neighborhood, or why you moved mid-month, or why you're on a two-year lease... Depending on your issues, mood, or relationship to the person, it's possible that these benign questions might trigger a defensive feeling in you (What's wrong with this neighborhood?! People can move mid-month if they want to! What's so bad about a two-year lease!?)

Get to know what you feel like in your body (tight arms, tense shoulders, stopping of breathing) when you get defensive. That is so important to healing yourself and growing up. Once you recognize that feeling, you can cope ("I'm having a defensive reaction to what this person just said, it's time to make a joke or ask what they mean...")

We all too often hear wrong -- we hear what we're afraid we'll hear, not what is said. So we need to ask questions so that we can hear what people are really saying to us. People ask questions - they are curious and want to know why other people do what they do.

Be Honest

Be honest with other people about what you know and don't know.

If you have a learning disability, that's okay. You can tell people. Lots of us had a really hard time in school because our parents were less than supportive of our intellectual development and self-esteem. In fact, some of our parents undercut our self-esteem. We had trouble in school because we were spaced out and anxious, worried, scared. For me, school didn't seem as real as the rest of my life. I didn't have the mental, emotional, or intellectual energy for it once I got there. Or, maybe it just wasn't half as stimulating as my home life, so I got distracted and spaced out with too little stimulus.

I used to work with someone who had serious dyslexia. She was honest about it and always made sure that someone proofread her work before it was turned-in. In college, she paid other students to read her term papers so that she could get the best possible grade. I've always thought she had a very healthy attitude toward her dyslexia and approached working with it in a very practical, self-confident way. She didn't blame herself, and she didn't hide.

Other people don't decide how smart you are, you do. Be honest. It goes hand-in-hand with self-esteem. It' will propel you towards calm and self-acceptance.

Take care -
ae

Comments

[Gina]

don't you hate it when you freeze? i always think of something to say after the conversation is over! this always drove me crazy until one day i realized it was probably a good thing, at least until I can learn to respond with both grace and force.

[Agrace]

Very good advice. Thank you very much.

[amy eden]

roxtarchic -
Well....I said nothing. I stared at the man in complete disbelief. Later, I though of some great comebacks!
--amy eden

[Jagcan]

And I thought there was something wrong with me, good to know there's hope. Thanks

[roxtarchic]

I'm dying to know what your response was to the narcissisitic know it all boozer? I don't think I could have let that slide w/out maybe a "would you like a refill or a cork in it"? haha...

i know i'm smart... my instinct and knee-jerk is "what'd i do now"... its a struggle sometimes.. to not get immediately defensive...

and that tightnest... in the shoulders.... i've had it for as long as i can remember... ugggh.

[mollyfn]

Sometimes, I SWEAR you are writing about me! Thanks (again) for this. I needed to hear it and remember it.