On Forgiveness

People sometimes refuse to forgive what someone has done because they think of forgiveness as giving in or condoning bad behavior;  that's not it.  Forgiveness doesn't mean saying that something was okay, just that you are at peace with what happened -- forgiveness means that you're no longer enslaved by it.  

Years ago, I lived in New York City.  I did a lot of journal writing then.  In cafes, on the subway, in cafes, at burrito shops, and in more cafes.  I was writing to try to understand myself, my mind and heart, my pain then, and how to dissolve the pain.  Journal writing and the thinking that went along with it was my Dawn dishwashing liquid, dissolving the hardest, most clingy pain. 

The complexity of my issues with my mother was particularly tough to cut through then.  My mother allowed my stepmother to adopt me as her own daughter when I was six-years-old.  I was opposed to this with every fiber in my small person's body.  But I had no voice.  I didn't live with my mom after age four, I lived with her parents from age four to five.  She was eccentric (read crazy) and plagued by addictions.  The word "abandoned" is overused these days, but my mother abandoned all her mothering responsibilities.  She stopped mothering me when I was four, so she had memories of us together, while I have none.  She spent her entire life trying to get back on her feet and sober but never succeeded for very long and she died at age 53.  You can read about her here .  

She would call me at two a.m. to talk as if it were two in the afternoon, she sent me Christmas ornaments for my birthday in August (wrapped in newsprint); her strangeness was extremely hard for me to handle and I longed for a normal, loving, nurturing mother.  I ached for it.  I rejected the narcissistic one I had, the one who'd left me to her parents to raise (later she would call this act of abandoning me "setting you free." )

One day the weight of her, and my anger towards her, was too much.  I was in my own way.  I needed to be lighter. 

So, I forgave my mother.  I traded my hate for lightness.  Here's what I did:  I lit a candle and turned off my bedroom light.  I watched the flame of the candle, and tried to put everything else out of my mind--the loud city outside my window, my roommate in the bathroom, all of it.  

As I began whatever I was about to do (I didn't really know), I realized that I had to not just THINK the forgiveness, but I had to say the words, too.  So I found myself whispering.  I said things like I forgive you for hurting me.  I'm not going to carry this anger around after this moment.  I forgive your selfishness, your turning your back on me.  I forgive the world in which this pain happened. 

Whispering was essential.  And the formality--the candle--as simple as it was, was essential.  Every word I whispered to the candle I really, really meant and felt.  That act of forgiveness was a bargain I was making, a bargain of complete forgiveness in exchange for a bit of lightness.  A lot was at stake--I had felt the anger and disgust toward my mother for a very, very long time.  I was attached to that anger and disgust.  It had occupied a space in my heart for so long that it was actually like saying goodbye to a dear but crazy friend when it was time to let it go. 

I whispered the words, and cried and cried.  The relief was immense.  It was real.  I never looked back, I was propelled forward. 

Not surprisingly, other layers of emotion revealed themselves over the years, and there was of course more to think about and work through regarding my mother.  Much!  But the act of forgiveness of the abandonment specifically was a really important, freeing step for me.  And I learned that we're all built to self-heal.  

Comments

[LKG]

Just want to say thank you for this post and for your amazing blog. My mother also died at the age of 53 (7 weeks ago) and I have been searching for answers/comfort.

Your blog has been such a blessing to me - to know that I am not alone.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[Teek]

This is a wonderfully wise post, thanks for leading the way for others of us!

[amyeden]

Megan - Thanks for the congrats! (this Sunday will be a new kind of Mother's Day...) I'm glad the timing was good on this post, and I hope you get some relief with your forgiveness efforts - sounds like you're really ready for it. It does get heavy, doesn't it, carrying the resentment around? I'm so glad my blog has been helpful for you!

[Megan]

Hi Amy. I wanted to say that I really appreciate your website. I found it about a year ago when searching for information about Adult Children of Alcoholics, and everything I read that you wrote rang true to me. It was amazing, just feeling like someone out there felt the same way I do! So I wanted to say thanks for writing.

Also, I really relate to this entry specifically. I was just thinking yesterday about how I need to let go of my anger towards my mother, how it is just stifling me and driving me crazy. It is a huge weight that I can't ever seem to rid myself of. So reading this blog today has really helped me feel like I can and should get over this anger. I am going to try a kind of forgiveness ceremony like the one you describe.

Also, congratulations on the birth of your son! He is gorgeous.