On the Nature of Making Changes in Your Life

When is the last time a thought went through your head that contained some wish or hope that you could change something in your life?  Very recently, I bet.  (Maybe right before you came to this site?) 

We think about making change all the time.  Yet we rarely make changes.  Why is this?  One reason is that we don't view our lives from an objective enough perspective very often.  Another reason may be that on the one hand, we don't take change very seriously in our culture (American, that is) but, on the other hand, we take change way too seriously.  

I say we don't take change very seriously because it's a tradition in our culture to complain about how it's so hard to make change, how we try but just can't seem to, say, eat better food, eat less food, or exercise, for example.  Yet, if we took change seriously, we'd eat better food, less of it, and exercise. Our actions show that we don't actually take change seriously. And I say that we take change way too seriously, on the other hand,  because we often pre-announce planned changes to others before we make changes ("I'm going to Start Going to the Gym!"), because we're expected to make a big list of resolutions once a years for the new year, and because most consumer magazines make their money because of the popularity of the idea of self-change.  

WE'RE OBSESSED WITH CHANGE BUT WE DON'T OFTEN DO IT 

Although we think of things we want to change about our lives on a daily or weekly basis (going to the gym, learning a language, changing jobs), we don't embark on a serious plan to make personal changes very often. 

(Then, again, change is the only constant force in the universe and change happens--in small ways--every day of our lives:  new face at the coffee counter, your hot chocolate tastes different, road closed/detour, new boss, new co-worker, new corporate email policy, new dent in your fender, they've changed your shampoo formula, they've raised the hourly rate on furnace repairs, you get your hair cut, you're a pound lighter, a pound heavier, etc. So, while we have a complicated relationship with change, we should realize we're actually in the midst of it on a continual basis.)   

We officially make major changes in our lives maybe once a year, or twice. We tend to make changes on our birthday and on New Years. Or, when something big has happened and transformed part of our lives on our behalf--someone has died, we lose our job, we have a baby, a child goes to college, or a relationship has ended. When these big life events hit, we take the opportunity to make a change (I don't mean to imply that New Years is a life event, by the way).   Aside from these kinds of transformative occasions, we still constantly think about what we want to to change--yet, we don't actually make a plan for change.  I don't think that it's because we're lazy.  I think it's because we're caught up in our weekly routine--the structure of our lives hurries us along to the next moment, the next day, and we don't schedule time to take stock of our lives, to look at our life objectively.  Maybe we ought to schedule that in.   

I WAS GOING TO CHANGE, THEN I FORGOT THAT I WANTED TO

I think about making changes all the time.  The last time I had a thought about change was this morning, when it occurred to me that I would be smart to hire a babysitter one night a week so that I could work on writing projects on a weekly basis, rather than catch as catch can, and without having to rely on whether or not my fiancee would be able to always do it.  But not just that, but also because if I pre-arrange the time (say Wednesday nights 5-8PM), then I will actually get writing done, because it'll be formal and official; otherwise, I know myself well enough to know I'd  'forget' it was Wednesday Writing Night or procrastinate or somehow fritter away or otherwise sabotage the 2-3 hours that I'd so desperately wanted for writing.  I don't want that frustration. 

So, that's a plan for change, right?  It's smart, it's how smart people get things done.  It's doing that whole, 'If you want to get something done, schedule time for it," simple-but-brilliant idea they write about in books.   

But, you know what?  I've actually had that brilliant self-helping, set-time-aside because writing is important idea a few times now.  I've solved my I've-got-to-make-time-to-write problem--in my mind, on previous frustrated occasions.  In my estimation, I've thought this problem and come to this solution once every other week for the last two, maybe three, months!  

Realizing this made me wonder, What's going on?  Why haven't I hired a babysitter yet?  Why aren't I getting that all-important writing done?  And there's a part of me that thinks this all feels very familiar--this behavior where I've solved my problem but only in my head.  It's too familiar. Annoyingly familiar.  In part, it's my nature that's in my way.  The way I dissolve most of my frustrations is by talking myself through them.  When I realize I'm frustrated, I ask myself what the cause is, I think about that till I identify the cause, then I ask myself what would resolve the cause and prevent the same frustration next time. 

(In the case of writing, a good tip off that I'm frustrated about not getting enough time is a particular type of anxiety and resentment in which I feel desperation and notice mortality-related thoughts entering my head, like, "If that huge fertilizer truck had just swerved, hit, and killed me, would my fiancee try to get my work published...?"  Usually when I'm having thoughts like those it's because I haven't written in a while.) 

 

Becasue this thinking-through-it thought process carries me out of my frustration and brings me to a place of relief and restores my sense of hopefullness--I feel good then forget, completely, to take the action that will prevent the next episode of frustration and angst!  

I might be a slow learner, but if I clobber myeslf over the head with a thought enough times, it will sink in. I learn, eventually!  (That is, I've put Wednesday Night Babysitter on my To Do List (the one I actually look at), and I have also contacted some babysitters.)

FEELING MUCH LIKE CHILDHOOD FEELINGS

Setting and forgetting plans to change creates an emotional pattern reminiscent of those of my childhood. 

It's much like that calm-punctuated-by-frenzy environment I was accustomed to.  Everything was "fine," or at least manageable, but only long enough for me to recover from the last trauma, before the next chaos and terror hit again, as if from out of the blue. And then I'd think, How could I forget, or fail to believe that this would strike again?  Why do I let my father con me into believing he's decent through and through, self-governed, and conscious?  

It's not the same thing, not exactly, forgetting to actually set a goal and make a change, but it's not a coincidence that it's a similar emotional excursion. When I contemplate change I feel better, calmer, due to my plans--then I'm surprised when I'm upset to find the problem hit again, realizing that I never truly dealt with it. 

 (Maybe, if you're not actually making the change you know you need to make, it's because of the familiarity of the accompanying emotions.  Familiarity offers certain comforts.) 

SOLVED YOUR PROBLEM IN YOUR MIND BUT HAVEN'T TAKEN ACTION?

If you realize that you're in the same boat as me with this, my best adivce is to first and foremost go easy on yourself about not having taking action yet.  Feeling dumb or ineffective is a short, one-way trip to personal misery--and that won't help you solve the problem.   What you want is to stay focused and on-task:  making a change and/or solving a problem.  You have every reason to believe that you can solve your problem, and it's not personal--you're not the first person to get frustrated about this thing, whatever it is.  Just take the action that's needed.   

And if you're caught in an infinite loop of frustration because you know the solution (going to the gym, getting a babysitter, joining a special-interest club, saving money for something, taking a night class, etc.) but you just can't seem to make yourself make the necessary change--then ask yourself 2 questions that, I hope, will get you un-stuck (they work for me):

1.  Am I eager to make this change but so overwhelmed by the solution because it's complex and I don't know know where to begin?  

You've got to break it into do-able steps, and take action on the first step, then the second, and so on.  Here  are some thoughts on how to plan projects and deal with so-called procrastination.  

2.  What is this frustration and lack of change preventing me from having to face?  (Is it possible that part of me thinks it's actually "easier" and more familiar to feel frustration and self-doubt than to feel the brand new sensations and feelings that this change will bring?)  

Be willing to be completely honest with yourself about what might be holding you back from a change in your life.  

One last question to ask yourself is -- Am I OK with not making this change at this time?  Or, if I don't do this, will I be just as happy, or do I need to do this?  Answering that will help you sort out the urgency and your true level of interest in the change.  (Asking yourself if you are OK walking away from the change may re-fuel your passion to make a change.)

A lot of times the way I see it is this:  if I'm already frustrated (with no change) then the agony involved in change isn't going to be any worse than the agony of staying frustrated!   I can't hide from the truth; I may as well change.

--ae

Comments

[amyeden]

Right, doable steps is really key. I think any goal could be achieved if the steps are small enough. And I love the satisfaction of checking something off the list, no matter how small a thing it was - I did it!

[Keely H.]

The breaking something into doable steps is something I've found to be helpful as well. Now I try to ask if I know what the next step is before I berate myself for not taking action, otherwise the self-recrimination becomes just another barrier to getting the change made.