Hi Amy. My name is Lisa, and I found a link to your blog on Wikipedia today on the article discussing "Adult children of Alcoholics".
I will just give you a little background about myself and my boyfriend: I grew up in a house where both my parents are teetotallers. The extent of my experience of alcohol, alcohol abuse and alcoholism is therefore very limited. The first time I saw drunk people was when I was in high school, and we went out partying with friends who became drunk. I was quite naive: when I was still at school, my one friend's mom was a drug addict. I only found that out three years out of school, I always thought she was just tired when she spoke slowly, slurring her words, and barely being able to keep her eyes open.
I started dating my boyfriend, Len, about two and a half years ago. His mom was the first adult that I saw drunk on a constant basis. Her reason(s) for drinking are numerous, the main one being that Len's father passed away a number of years ago from cancer. I have seen her fall a number of times: she broke her ribs once, another time her collarbone,and she had bruises on her face for weeks. She always pretends that she "fell at school" (she's a teacher), or "tripped over a bag". She conveniently "forgets" that I was there when she broke a few ribs.
Len and I never used to speak about "her problem", not that it is an open topic now either, but it is a little bit more in the open between the two of us. He still makes me promise "not to tell" my parents, but unfortunately that is not something I can't NOT discuss with my parents, because it upsets me deeply.
Yesterday Len and I spent the whole day with friends, and afterwards the two of us went to his house. When we got there, it seemed like it was deserted. But his mom was there, sitting at the kitchen table, smoking and drinking. By the looks of it, she must have started much earlier that day, because by seven o'clock she couldn't stand up or focus enough to look you straight in the eyes. We went to sit in his room, because I said to Len that I didn't want to be around her when she is drunk. Later we heard her fall: she cut her forehead on the wall. He had to carry her to bed, because at that stage she just fell down every time she tried to stand up. Len shouted at her, and it felt like I was listening to a terrified little boy. We just held each other, crying about it last night. It was also the first time that he said to me that he hates "having an alcoholic for a mother". (This morning she pretended, when my boyfriend confronted her about the cut on her forehead, that she "opened a drawer" on her face by mistake.)
Len said to me last night that it helped that I was there with him, but I still found it very upsetting, and I have had difficulty concentrating on my work today. I decided to look on the internet for information about alcoholism, and that's how I came upon your website. When I read the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics, I just started crying. I recognised so much of Len and his sister in the list!
I don't know if you have any advice for me as to what to do. I am at a loss. His mom is in complete denial about her alcoholism, and I don't know if it is really my place (as her future daughter-in-law) to tell her to go to AA meetings to sort out her alcohol-problem... What can I do? To be honest, I am also a little bit afraid to even send Len the things I found on the internet about children of alcoholics! What should I do? Please will you help us!
Thank you so much, and thank you for reading this about a complete stranger. I just need to talk to someone about it!
Hi Lisa. I'm glad you found my blog, and that it was helpful in some way!
It's such an unsettling surprise when you think the family you could potentially marrying into is "normal," and it turns out they're complicated! Just remember, if your relationship goes in that direction that you're marrying your boyfriend, not his mom. Don't get confused about that. Try to let this be something that makes your relationship stronger, not strained. Every family is weird in its own way, every family has problems. Sounds like you have a hard situation to deal with. And that it's an emotional weight for you, one that's new to you (having not been exposed to alcoholism). At least it's not your family with this particular problem; it's probably very stressful for your boyfriend and his sister right now, having to deal with the death of their father first of all, and now this problem with their mother. It's wonderful that you are searching out ways to be supportive and to get more information about alcoholism.
My advice is to (1) educate yourself, (2) establish boundaries (and uphold them!), (3) and resist getting involved.
I'm curious, why do your parents abstain from alcohol? Religion? Is there any history of abuse of alcohol in your family history that you know of? Is their abstinence a reaction to anything? (I'm always very curious when there's an all or nothing situation in a household.)
It's really important that you don't make his mother's problem your problem. Take care not to cross that line. This is extremely important. It's so important that you are careful about how much time and energy you give to this problem, because getting involved could get really messy for everyone. Don't get involved. There is an art to caring about others but not shouldering their whole drama. (Are you close to his mom? Can you ask her questions about her life, her dead husband, her memories -- and just listen, let her talk? Also, can you ask that your fiance reach out to his mom's friends or her brothers or sisters (if she has them), asking that they reach out to her? Those are the people who should be working with her.) No, it's not your place for you to tell her to go to AA meetings (even though you and I know very well that's what she SHOULD do!) That's for her friends or siblings to tell her to do.
Alcoholics never admit that they have a problem (until they can, and nobody can make them admit it before they're ready). It's "normal" that she's lying about how she got her bumps and bruises (and cracked ribs!) Imagine her embarrassement. It's important to differentiate between the things you can do and spend your energy on that will make a difference and those things that you just can't influence. Try to assess as clearly as possible where the limits of your power and control begin and end. You won't be able to get her to admit she has a problem, for example. So don't waste energy on that. But you can educate yourself, and you can share what you're learning and your new insights with your boyfriend.
I would encourage you to continue to educate yourself about alcoholism, because the more you understand about the disease, the more compassion you will have and the more you will be helping, simply by reading about it (even if it doesn't seem to make a difference).
If you can find an Al-anon or ACoA (adult children of alcoholics) meeting nearby, you might want to go - and invite your boyfriend to go with you. Try to avoid saying, "You need to do..." Or, "You should..." But, instead ask questions, "Would you consider going to an ACoA meeting?" Or, "Would you consider reading this book?" A light touch is the most powerful.
It's really important that you decide to establish some personal boundaries to protect yourself from his mother. Support your boyfriend - his mother is his problem, and he is your partner. Let him handle his mother, or not handle her, as that might be best. Accept the fact that this woman is an alcoholic, and let her be. It might take years for her to recover from this, or she may never recover. It might get better, then worse, then better, etc. You don't have control over that, you only have control over how you react to it. You may need to limit the amount of time you spend with her. You may have to say 'no' to your boyfriend when he asks you to accompany him to visit him mom because he needs your support, which will be hard. It's great that you spoke up when you wanted to change rooms so that you wouldn't have to watch her drink! That's good boundary-setting. If it's bothering you a lot, you may need to let your boyfriend spend time with his mother on his own, and see her less yourself. Just don't make her the enemy, because that could become a bad dynamic in your relationship with your boyfriend. Don't let his mom become a third party to your relationship (definitely read about Triangling - http://www.guesswhatnormalis.com/2007/01/triangles.html) It sounds like your boyfriend lives with his mom, if so - you two should spend your time together outside of his house (and perhaps he should consider living with roommates?)
You can limit your time with her by seeing her on your own terms - seeing her for breakfast when she won't be drinking, or going to see a movie, or taking a walk. Or, by spending less time at her house - once a week rather than twice, or stay for only an hour rather than two or three. That sort of thing. Discuss that with your boyfriend. He may even want to let her know that you prefer to visit for breakfast and not dinner because he's uncomfortable being around her when she drinks.
She's going through what sounds like one of the hardest times in her life - grieving her spouse. It can take a very long time. I can't imagine how devastating that must have been for her. Still, it's not a good reason to drink, is it? It's too bad that she's using alcohol to deal with her emotions. It sounds like she is in a lot of emotional pain.
As far as talking to your own parents about this - that's up to you, and you only. On one hand, if it will cause your parents to dislike his mom or treat her differently (or treat your boyfriend differently), you might want to take care with how much you say. Some people believe that family business is family business - and shouldn't leave the family (especially alcoholic families! No need to wonder why!) On the other hand, if your parents are compassionate and understand how much this problem of his mother's is weighing on you, it makes sense to talk to them about your worries. Consider including your boyfriend when you talk to them, so that he is part of it, too (sounds like he's nervous about feeling exposed or looking bad to your parents, which is understandable) and that you two are partners in this.
But, above all, detach so that you're not distracted at work and find a way to enjoy your relationship on your own terms.
All best, amy
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