Children of alcoholics tend to be drawn to rules, self-imposed or otherwise. Rigidity. Extremes. Is this true for every child of an alcoholic? My guess would be that it’s true for most. Do you like rules? Do you often start new diets? Do you often isolate foods that are “bad” and avoid them completely? Do you decide to launch a new workout regimen and begin by hitting the gym every night? Do you suddenly quit things--shopping, drinking, or friendships? That’s rigid behavior.
Self-imposed rules, rigidity, and extremes feel like they will establish clarity and definition. Rules and regimens provide a sense of satisfaction, but, especially: a sense of control. What is tricky, and disappointing, is that rigidity, extreme diets and other black-and-white, all-or-nothing plans almost always result in their counterpart: extreme disappointment.
It’s important to become aware of rigid inclinations, and to allow for, and practice, a more gradual, realistic, plan for eating, working out, or spending time with friends.
What things are you rigid about? Examine how much satisfaction you are gaining and whether the rigidity is generating satisfaction long-term.
It’s a natural instinct to want to establish rule-based approaches to life because who doesn’t want to feel more organized and more in control? Children of alcoholics crave a sense of control. A sense of control is a synthetic substitute for missed stability and nurturing. A poor substitute for a solid sense of self and worth.
Yet, the amount of satisfaction that comes from the moment in which you develop your plan for that new diet or for calling your relatives every Sunday night will always be outdone by the crushing disappointment when you cannot maintain your new, rigid approach.
The key is: be kind to yourself. The key is: become less rigid. Start workout routines slowly, quit or decrease “bad” foods slowly if you must quit them, take a day off from your social calendar if you’re feeling overwhelmed (rather than cut off your friends), and think about how to maintain a new routine in the long run. Think forward, past your discomfort and inclination toward seemingly quick satisfaction. And if you forget, miss a day, or fall behind, the most valuable course of action is: be kind to yourself. Don’t believe for a minute that a missed day, a slip up in the new plan, is indicative of failure. It’s only a momentary blip.
Be kind to yourself. Your accomplishments will fulfill you more deeply if they result from an effort that originates from self-worth, not self-sabotage.
Seriously. Be kind to yourself.
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