Asking for what you want is one avenue to freedom for the child of an alcoholic. Much of what I write includes suggestions for speaking one's truth, asking for what you want, and taking the time to figure out what it is you really, truly want. I think it's not just important, but a gateway to locating our true selves as children of alcoholics. But, what happens when you figure out what you want, then ask for it or express your need...and it is rejected? What then?
I mean, let's say you figured out what you wanted to eat for dinner, and it was Indian food. Well, what if your partner or friend or mother aren't into that? What if the last thing they wanted to eat is Indian food? What do you do with the feelings that might erupt inside you when you finally express your little truth, a bit of your true self, and that true self doesn't get his or her way? Do you throw a fit? Do you sulk? Do you turn on your best passive-aggressive voice and say, "Fine. Whatever you want."
Nope.
If you're going to get good at knowing what you want and expressing that, you've got to get ready for the consequences (your emotional reaction) when your love of Indian food is not embraced. That's where your self-confidence is going to come in handy.
I wrote about this kind of situation in my post in January, "Learning to Handle Criticism Can Help You Build Healthy Self-Esteem."
It's not fair for me to focus so much on asking for what we want, expressing our truest feelings, opinions, and points of view, if I'm not going to address the rest of it -- the resto of it being the real world we live in. If we lived in a world built for the Healing of Children of Alcoholics, then here's how it would work: every time we finally figured out what we want to eat for dinner or whether or not to go out with our friends and leave our family at home, we would receive a special trophy for finally being able to express our true selves. Our friends would smile and say, "Great! Let's go eat Indian food, and celebrate your learning how to express your desires." Or our partner would say, "Good for you for championing your needs to have time with your friends! Go out and enjoy yourself. I'll watch the kids."
The problem is, that's not our world. Nobody is going to pat us on the back as we learn to ask for what we want, defend our boundaries, or express our own true selves. People are going to have their own reactions to us, pleasant and unpleasant. This is where the real work, growth, and healing is. This is, I believe, the center of it all for us: the combined ability to not only express ourselves but also to handle the reactions of others, to not internalize them and to react with confidence.
So, your friend doesn't want to eat Indian food tonight. You do.
Here are some of the healthy choices on your Reaction Menu:
(a) Think of another type of food you're into eating tonight;
(b) If you must have Indian, get take-out from a place and bring it somewhere where your friend can get what he or she wants;
(c) Ask your friend if he or she is dead-set against Indian, or willing to go for it;
(d) Tell them that while you really wanted Indian, you're flexible (and mean it)
This way you're being honest about what you wanted, but you're also being flexible and -- most important -- you're not taking things personally.
Small negotiations like these take place every day. Become aware of them and test your ability to (a) say your opinion and (b) be flexible and confident enough not to take the interaction personally. There's no reason to think that someone's dislike of Indian food is dislike of you. It's not personal.
Be kind to yourself.
-- amy eden
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