Just When You Think, "I'm Cool," You're Actually Still Grasping for CONTROL

Control freak. Right?

Yup. That's the truth.

It's impossible to have come from a childhood fraught with alcoholism, narcissistic and enabling parents, needy parents, and no freedom to safely say what you really think or feel, and come out with no control issues. That is to say, we're not alone in this control freakitis condition.

The surprising reality is how many different varieties of control exist; you can be wrapped up mentally in one type of control one day and a very different kind of control-grabbing situation the next day (or later that same day).

Continued...

Meaning that one day you're concerned about dressing perfectly right for a situation, the next day you're focused on your perfectly clean car, the next you're convinced that you're a "bad" person, and the next you're freaking out because someone is trying to make a suggestion about how you should "run" "your" dinner party. The next weekend you're trying to be particularly friendly to a sales clerk so that he or she will like you, and the next weekend you're upset when a friend changes plans with you, and the next you're upset beyond belief because you got a flat tire that made you late.

In some instances, we're trying to gain control over others, ourselves, or even objects. In other instances we're upset when faced with the fact of not having control over others, objects, and ourselves, too.

Perfection and control are intertwined beasts - sometimes they are indistinguishable from one another.

When guests stay in my home, I select some books to put by their temporary nightstand. When it's a particularly dear friend or one of my two sisters, I'll include the book, The Art of Imperfection: Simple Ways to Make Peace with Yourself. It's by Veronique Vienne. But, honestly, it's me who should be reading it. It's essential to learn to see, accept, and live comfortably with our imperfections. We have them, oh, we have them.

Vienne notes this in her chapter about mistakes, next to a photograph of an unfinished garden path that ends in a pile of stones: "In Islamic art, small flaws abound in what look like the most luxurious carpets, pottery, and mosaics. Artists are urged to make mistakes on purpose, to remind observers that God alone is perfection." No matter what your religious or spiritual beliefs are, I think the sentiment in that passage resonates for everyone.

Often, we assume that our bosses want perfection from us. But, ask yourself: has your boss ever used the word "perfect"? Has she or he ever said, "I expect perfect work from you?"

Have you ever planned an evening in your mind -- the food, the movie, the music, and even the conversation -- such that you are expecting the evening to go just as you'd daydreamed it would? I have. It's very satisfying -- the daydream, that is. I get to be the movie director, with complete control. However, what percentage of the time do the conversations, evenings, or car trips you've planned out in your mind go just like you imagined?

Ever met up with friends expecting to do what was discussed (say, see a particular movie, or go for a hike, or eat lunch at a particular restaurant, or go pick apples), only to find that once you arrived at your friend's house, that the plans were changed? Of course you have. We all have. However, it's only us who find it especially traumatic coping with changed plans.

That's all control.

Changed plans, imagined conversations, saying things to evoke guilt or pity from others, saying what other's want to hear, not revealing yourself to others, being dishonest about how you feel...these are all control-related issues.

What does it look like when you're at peace, and not behaving like someone obsessed with control? You don't plan out conversations; you go with the flow when plans change because you are your own center-home, you say what you really think no matter what impression it may give others of you, you ask others for help because you don't need to give off the impression of complete self-sufficiency, you can enjoy a movie even if you're not sitting in the 'perfect' front-and-center seat; you apologize easily, you tell the truth, and you let others express their opinions freely, and you let them have the last word.

Vienne has this to say about letting go of "right" (i.e., control) and "wrong," and to be spontaneous with compliments of others:

"Most of us are reluctant to acknowledge an astute or insightful remark with a sincere show of appreciation. To celebrate the pearls of wisdom that fall from other people's lips, try the following comments:

"You are absolutely right"
"Can I quote you on this one?"
"I wish I had said that."
"Stop. You just said something brilliant."
"You were correct. Once more."
"I like the way you put it."
"Would you mind repeating what you just said? I'd like to write it down."

Once we all get to a place of self-acceptance, we can get to a place of realizing we're OK -- wherever we are and no matter how plans change. If you get an inconvenient flat tire that makes you late, you're going to be OK because, honestly, that's life -- the universe has it's own agenda and I can guarantee you it's not in line with any of our plans.

Don't stop making plans or daydreaming about wonderful situations -- just, you know, be nimble, be flexible. You're not controlling the roller coaster, so you may as well ride.

Comments

[gina]

ok, so here's a question i've started wondering about recently. is it control to hang on to our dreams when life won't let us put the pieces in place to make it happen? is it a matter of letting go? realizing if it's meant to happen it will happen? when do we know to be passive and allow the universe to do its thing? and when is it up to us to follow through and make it happen with dogged determination, discipline and perseverance? --gf

[gridsleep]

I could not agree more. Watch the movie "Circle of Iron" also known as "The Silent Flute." It is all this portrayed in stunning reality.