In Search of Normal

We have at least this in common - we guess at what normal is. It's likely a question, a fear, that others, who've not grown up in alcoholic households, also have. I have a habit of returning to the start to ask the same question again. I do this at work; after we've gone half-way down the road with a project, having chosen the author, book design, organization, and title...despite the fact that we've all agreed we made the right decisions all along, I am still compelled to ask, "Was our first decision right? Let's double-check." It doesn't mean putting the whole project and budget in jeporady, it's just a check-in to remind ourselves how and why we laid the tracks and making sure they're where we meant the train to go. The past week I've re-visited anther old question: what do we mean when we talk about "normal"?

Plain and simple, that characteristic means that as children, growing up (not that we're done), we had a sneaking suspicion that things were different at other kids' houses. Better. Calmer. I believe that our sense of "normal" was very basic, and less of a dictionary definition and more of a gut feeling - in the context of this question, normal always meant safe and anxiety-free to me. Safe is a key part of normal. I once had a terrible fight with my father in which he shouted at me, while speeding on a winding road (no joke), "Safe? You don't feel safe speaking your mind? Safety doesn't exist. People think they deserve it! You don't. That's how things are in this world. Nobody deserves safety just because they were born." Now, it's likely he would disagree with this statement now - that was all said back in the darker times.

Continued...

How many times have you thought to yourself, "If only I'd had a normal upbringing, I wouldn't have to spend so much time fixing myself -- I could just live, have an easier time with my relationship, my job, and friendships."? I've thought that. Dozens of times. Always when things are hard. During a fight that I can't make sense of, when I've been struggling to find a job, when I've struggled to keep an exercise routine going...etc. I tend not to think if only I were normal when things are going well. I don't even think about my disadvantages when things are going well. In fact, it's possible that I even value my oddities in those times.

So, I think that when we talk about what normal is, we mean "like everybody else." Right? Or, maybe we even glorify what normal is, we stretch it even further than plain ol' normal. Maybe we mean, rich and successful, or confident and thin. Do you ever catch yourself defining normal in that way--as better than just normal? There are times when I read about some movie star or successful businesswoman, and I read her bio and think I bet if I'd had a normal, advantaged childhood...that kind of confidence, willpower and success would have been possible! It's amazing how much I attribute to "normal."

I think it's important to remember what is meant by "guessing at what normal is." It's a state of guessing, a state of anxiety and vulnerability. Guessing at normal isn't a self-confident state of being. Mind you, aching to be normal presupposes that 'normal' is an important state of being. I would argue that there is no "normal," in fact. Particularly since there are millions of us who grew up in alcoholic homes--just in North America alone--it's more common to be not normal than it is to be normal!

We know what normal is not. We know it's not normal to expect a child to mirror a parent's emotions just to keep the peace and feed a parent's ego. We know it's not normal to accuse a child of not loving his or her mom or dad. Everything that felt bad - we can trust our gut - wasn't normal. Our childhood experiences did not foster a sense of safety that's essential for every child to feel growing up.

Feeling safe, nurtured, is what gives us a strong core, and allows us to become self-sufficient later. I don't know if that's normal, or not, but being nurtured sure is a good experience. It should be common. I wish it were.

I decided to parent myself a number of years ago - too late for anyone else to. Part of that decision included being a home to myself, being forgiving of myself, championing myself, and letting go of habitual blame of my parents. I remember thinking, "Right. My childhood was full of anxiety, crappy. But it was my childhood. Mine. It does not define what happens next, I do. It's up to me to chart the territory from here. I'm not a paint-by-numbers! I'm a blank canvas." That's probably not exactly what I said to myself, but I do remember thinking, "Time to grow up - be your own best friend. I'm here for you."

One more thought. Think about the friends and acquaintences you have - do they all reflect your values and opinions, likes and dislikes, or have you embraced friends who aren't at all like you? It's more common to have friends that are like us, than not, but the more I think about it, the more I realize how important it is to embrace what's different from us. The more friends and acquaintences you have who are different from you the better. Surrounding yourself with diversity is not only a beautiful thing, but it'll remind you to be compassionate and open-minded. It will help you accept yourself. Go find out how other people live, dance, create, think and cook. Travel.

I bet that the more variety we encounter, the more that "normal" will cease to be a relevant question.

What's normal?

Comments

[Liza]

Many people who have a problem with alcohol are not alcoholics and in order to quit drinking they do not necessarily need medical treatment peer group support or a spiritual awakening.

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Liza

Alcoholism Information

[Mariam]

Great work.

[rarthur]

A lot of people are suffering from the alcoholism or from the drug addiction and
they do not receive a proper help. It is a real punishment for the relatives
and friends of such a person, it is very difficult to stand such people, but
if you really love a person who is trapped by the some kind of addiction, do
not shout at him or her, do not drive out him or her, because you are the only
person who can help. People with the addictions do not need your empathy orsympathy;
they need a medical treatment. And the sooner you will apply to the rehabilitation
center, the more chances you have to treat your close person. However, you have to
understand, that except the common medical treatment, he or she needs a psycho treatment,
and if you want to put him or her at the good drug treatment center, you are welcome.
.................................
thank you
arthur
Suffering from an addiction. This website has a lot of great resources and treatment centers.http://www.treatmentcenters.org