It's Time We Made Friends with Spontaneity

Spontaneity and being an adult child of alcoholics seem to be mutually exclusive terms. We have a tendency to not to be very spontaneous. But we're real good at holding back. (I write "alcoholics" rather than "alcoholic" because while you may have had one parent who was the drinker, we all come from a long line of drinkers. I'm referring back to the generations of alcoholics in our family lines.)

We may want to talk to that interesting stranger, or neighbor, but we hold back. So, when that interesting stranger is suddenly there, crossing the street, sitting down at the table next to us, we think, "I'd love to say hi, or chat, or talk, but I'm s.c.a.r.e.d," and for no specific reason. It may feel like shyness. It may feel like being polite. But, there's a disconnect between our instinct to say Hello and our fear of not being normal, which holds us back.

We likely think, Why would that person want to be talked to by me? Right? And that's not even necessarily a conscious thought ("I'm unworthy") but nevertheless, it holds us back and takes place in one-sixteenth of a second. New situations are hard for us. We miss out on a lot because of of that protective reaction. But, working on our spontaneity, I believe, can help us. I think it can help us greatly, in fact.

CONTINUED...

Everyone has spontaneous urges. Even you. Children of alcoholics don't have fewer spontaneous urges, we have the same instincts as everyone else....we just stifle them.

I think our spontaneity is the voice of our pure, curious inner child, and that when we see a person we want to talk to, it's that original child in us that thinks, "Hey, interesting person, let's say Hello!" But it's the scared, child of alcoholics that answers that spontaneous thought with, "Don't, ignore your curiosity, let's not lose control." Not our fault that we're programmed that way, but it's not serving our happiness or experience of life very well now, as adults.

This is on my mind this morning because just this morning I stifled my urge to talk to a stranger. My fiancee is good about following his instinct to talk to strangers--farmers, neighbors, bakery owners--and he has given me regular opportunities to do the same, and most of the time I do. I'm thankful for his ability to do this because it gives me lots of chances to get more comfortable being out of my comfort zone and transforming it into a comfort zone.

We were looking at the vegetable garden and watching a humming bird bathe itself in the water from the hose that my fiancee was watering the corn plants with. We saw a farmer, within shouting distance, looking at own garden. When he looked over, I shouted, "Good morning!" and waved. He shouted Good Morning back. Then my fiancee said, "Should we go say hi and see what he's doing?" I hesitated, and said, "Ugh! No!" and I started walking back up to the house with my coffee. My fiancee walked over to talk to the farmer.

In that split-second of hesitation, here's what went through my mind: There's no time to chat! I have to write! I promised myself to post to my blog! Don't get distracted, Amy! Stay on course! One conversation could go on forever! (Don't loose control!) You haven't showered and you're not wearing enough clothes! The farmer is working! Why bother him? He doesn't want to talk to you!

Yes, I had to write. But it wasn't five or ten minutes later that my fiancee came back and said, "Hey, I just learned something from that guy." Do I not have five or ten minutes to spare? Sure, I do.

Sure, it's good that I came back and sat here to write. And in a way I'm glad that I walked away simply because it inspired me to write about this behavior.

There are benefits to allowing oursleves to be spontaneous, like:

* It helps you get on more familiar terms with your original self, that pure inner child, when you listen to and honor its voice

* Being spontaneous gives you practice living outside your comfort zone of hiding, and eventually you'll get comfortable acting spontaneously

* Talking to interesting people gives you practice ending conversations - something we all need practice at!

* It gives us a chance to shake off our habit of trying to be in control, and we need lots of practice with releasing our need to control things

We're control freaks, so one reason we don't veer from our "plan" for the day to act spontaneously is because then everything will fall apart (or so we fear) and we won't be able to get everything done that we'd planned!

We're not good at initiating the end of a conversation, we have so much experience with feeling like prisoners of a never-ending conversation because we're terrible with boundaries, setting and asserting them, that one reason we avoid spontaneous conversation is a fear of them never ending!

Try it once today. Keep it short, but do something spontaneous.

Reveal yourself.

Comments

[SeanG]

"... one reason we avoid spontaneous conversation is a fear of them never ending!"

Ack! That's totally true. This happens to me in meetings at work: When the meeting runs over the allotted time, I get so upset. I feel so out of control, and like it will last forever and I'll have to stay there! You hit the nail on the head.

I thought I was pretty spontaneous, but after reading this post, I'm not so sure! Just one more way I'm out of touch with myself, I guess!

Thanks!!

[http://inalittleminute.blogspot.com]

Hi Amy~

Thought I would check out your blog as well. Fantastic! Kudos, really!

Love the insight. Thanks for the thought of reaching outside the boundaries.

Michele