5 Tips for Coping with Commitment Issues (Theirs)

Some people find this blog through Google searches, others find it through Wikipedia, or a link they find on a related site. Last week, I clicked around in my stats to see what Google searches brought people here. I noticed a pattern (I was hoping for that): the word "commitment." Completely shocking that one of us would have questions about commitment, isn't it?

Commitment, by definition, is a pledge, promise, or agreement to engage in something. Committing to something means we made (or they made) a promise to follow-through. Words like commitment, engage, and promise are real and definite; would it surprise you that anyone who battles alcoholism or a similar addiction might have issues with commitment? Promises kept are not an alcoholic's strength.

They're not ours, either. We, just like alcoholics, have issues with promising ourselves. Partly because we've done more promising of ourselves than we ever intended to do (beyond our boundaries) and partly because we were raised by a role model who had issues with commitment -- we're like them by nurture.

CONTINUED...

But, whose commitment issues are you most concerned about? Are you concerned about your ability to live up to commitments? Or, rather, are you more concerned about the lack of someone else's ability to commit? My guess is that we're more concerned with the commitments that we wish other people would make to us than our own commitments. That's classic ACA behavior (wishing that someone were "more" than what they are.) If you're the over-achieving type of ACA, then you probably are very reliable and very critical of the inability of others to be just as reliable as you are. You may even unconsciously 'test' people on this.

Why are we frustrated when other people fail to agree or commit to a plan, or to us, and why are we frustrated when other people won't follow-through on a plan at all?

Because we want to control the universe.

You know you can't do that, right? Or, you at least know that you ought to know that we can't control other people, right?

We really need to detach from our obsession with whether or not others can commit to plans or not. If you can learn how to detach from another person's commitment problems, you will set yourself free.

I battle with this as much as anyone else. There are people in my life -- family, friends, and co-workers -- who say 'no' or--worse--'maybe' instead of 'yes, definitely,' when I try to make plans. Of course it's the most frustrating when it comes to family members because that's where all the emotional land mines are buried.

TIPS FOR DETACHING FROM COMMITMENT-OBSESSION

Keep in mind that, for some people, committing to something means risking letting people down. People who equate commitment with that risk are unlikely to commit because the emotional stakes are too high. Keep that in mind, and be flexible. (Flexible does not mean a bending-over-backward pretzel. Flexible means easy-going within your boundaries.)

1. Let it go. Some people aren't good at commitment and follow-through, as much as that might frustrate you. Realize that you can't make someone commit, and don't lecture people - you won't change them. That is doubly-true for family members.

And if they do change, it won't be because of you! They're on their own timeline.

2. Invite a back-up person who is reliable.

Insanity is waiting for the commitment problem person to get back to you. Invite someone reliable. Now, if person A does happen to actually make good on her commitment, just explain that you weren't expecting them to follow-through, based on her history, and that you invited someone else. Be nice about it, but be honest, too.

3. Don't be creepy. Are you really asking for a commitment in an open manner? Are you able to invite people with no strings attached, and in a way that is welcoming, but easy-going?

Are you asking, "I'd love for you to come to my BBQ next weekend at noon -- what do you think?" Or, are you asking, "What are you doing next Saturday? (Not sure yet.) I'm having a BBQ and I really want you to come. (I might be able to stop by.) Really? Great. I'm glad you're coming. Can you come early and help? Can you bring a salad?" You get the idea.

Be okay with a "no," and don't feel resentful if people who say "yes" don't show up. Be flexible. But, also, don't keep inviting people who don't follow through. And don't keep reaching out to people who don't return your invitations enough of the time.

4. Give people time to get back to you -- give people room. Don't make an RSVP mandatory for people who can't commit. Plan what you want to plan despite that person. You'll just drive yourself nuts waiting for them or expecting them to change.

5. Go ahead with your plans! Don't get caught believing that this commitment-issue person is spoiling things for you -- that's drama, that's codependence, that's sick. Go ahead with your plans, you life, your parties, and all those things that you want to do. The people who can't follow-through will just have to miss out on things. Worry about your commitment to yourself -- that's plenty to keep your head engaged.

Comments

[Gina Froese]

I think the comments about keeping yourself flexible when it comes to the commitment phobic or unreliable individual are very good. I experienced a similar situation many times over with an old friend and felt like I was constantly surrounded by drama that I contributed to. very exhausting and very bad when you start behaving around them in ways that make you not like yourself. so I set myself some rules, and decided to live my life. we went our own ways. but i realized the issue for me was still present when the test came a few months later from someone else and with a bit of a twist. a family member wouldn't return my calls to confirm details and dates after we made long distance plans, so after the second call i left a third message letting them know that I don't mind being flexible to meet them in another town (2hour drive away) but they would have to give me a couple of days notice so that I could make arrangements for pets and baby etc. when i didn't hear back i assumed they weren't interested and just moved on. my rule of thumb is only three calls/messages. you don't hunt someone down to make them commit or get yourself upset or feel wounded trying to make them do something they obviously don't want to do. here's the twist: they call up last minute or day after i made other plans (after deadline) and say plans as usual. I say no sorry i didn't hear from you so I made other plans. you set out your bounderies, communicate them clearly and follow through without getting upset with the other person. I was proud of myself. this was a big step for me. what i didn't expect was the fallout and backlash from my family after others were told that I (the plan junkie/control freak) didn't stick with the plan.(lol) is that karma? irony? or just the next level of awareness that comes from being in an acoa family? well, suffice it to say that now i'm trying to learn how to not justify/explain/apologize for myself every time I twitch and move. because as I now realize the other side of this coin is not freaking out when you can't please people. go figure. --gf

[amy eden]

I relate! And, now, the holidays are here, and this is going to be a challenge for all of us.

And also an opportunity. (I will admit that my tendency to call hard interactions "opportunities" to detach from old patterns stems from the overly-responsible ACoA in me. And I suppose that isn't a bad side-effect of it, as side-effects go.)

It becomes extra-tricky when family is involved in these agreements. (I should write a post solely on commitment issues and family.)

Tommy - if (when) your family asks you to spearhead plans (because you're good at it, that's your "reward") but you don't like the lack of follow-through, you might want to consider saying "Nope, too busy, somebody else's turn," next time. I'm sure there will be a next time!

This year I'm splitting the holidays between my divorced stepmother and father (Christmas Eve with one and Christmas Day with the other). While the divorce shook us out of old routines (a benefit of the divorce), despite the new family configuration...all of us, kids and parents, are drawn back into our old roles nonetheless...like magnets. For example, rather than "letting go" and waiting to see what kind of plans my parents made (they are 57 and 60 -- adults), I conferred with each family member and convinced my dad to stay in town, get a tree, and host Christmas Eve. (Usually he leaves town.) I "parented" him - an old role for me! The reality is that nothing is "good" or "bad," nothing is black and white: so, on the one hand, I wish I had wish I had stayed out of it and waited for others to plan, and on the other hand, I'm glad to have shaped a Christmas that will be one I know I'll enjoy more...

[AngrySar]

Being an overly-responsible ACoA, I always flip out over "maybe". It pisses me off that other people don't always make plans, set themselves deadlines and then actually push themselves mercilessly to the limit to accomplish them like I do.
Well said, I really can relate.

[gwenstefni]

The interplay of occupational engagement and individual coping capacity is very important. A methodological tool that provides the means for such an analysis which includes psychological aspects of the health is the “Arbeitsbezogenes Verhaltens- und Erlebensmuster” questionnaire AVEM: Pattern of Work-related Coping Behavior. This assessment instrument allows for a subscale-level evaluation as well as differentiation between four types of work-related coping behaviours that have been obtained by cluster analysis. Comprehensive analyses involving 7693 teachers have established the health relevance of this cluster differentiation.
-------------------
Gwenstefni

http://www.alcohol-rehab.cn

[Craig J. Phillips MRC, BA]

Great article my friend. I have found that when I am hungry, angry, lonely, tired or sick I am prone to taking things more personally. When I am spiritually centered I am able to trust the process and let go of the outcomes. I find that when I am invested in the outcomes I set myself up to become resentful toward the person that did not meet my expectations. I have also found that when I keep my expectations low and my acceptance high I have more serenity in my life.

In my experience I have found that some people are just incapable of being honest with themselves, much less with me. Consequently, if I am looking to have my needs met -- in some way -- through those individuals I am setting myself up to be disappointed.

My sponsor reminds me that when I am expecting these individuals to meet my needs -- in some way -- I am going to a hardware store looking to buy bread. Consequently, I need to remember that if nothing changes, it remains the same. Through my recovery process, I have come to realize that I no longer need to set myself up to be disappointed.

Thank God that I have choices.

Thank you for letting me share.

Have a simply amazing rest of your week.

Craig

[Tommy]

I dislike folks who do not commit my plans. Just like many ACOA’s I am doing most of the job myself. That is a habit I have acquired during my childhood. Asking other person for a commitment means it is very important question to me and I really want him or her to be part of this. I usually make a huge effort to be well prepared so I expect a little participation. That is why a lack of commitment I find frustrating. To me it appears to be an act of ignorance and disrespect.

Especially I dislike situations when someone asks me to plan and then ignores it. I am good in trips planning and logistics. Due to this I am frequently asked by my friends and family to prepare trip drafts for us eg our last visit in California few months ago. I think that leaving me a decision they agree to follow my directions. Yeah, that is wrong way of thinking. They usually commit only part of my plan so I have to do all the rest by myself or skip it.

Yet, there is also other side of this problem. To be honest, I hate to be forced to commit something I do not like. I fear the situation when I feel a creeping pressure, can not just say ‘no’ and face the emotional blackmail. You know, toxic parents’ (and not only) SOP.

So, I do not accept lack of someone else’s commitment and in the same moment I hate over-expecting attitude of others. It sounds I am pretty unfair . Well, ACOA’s life is a bit complex.

Thanks for tips. I will try to use them next time.